{I love you}

Those three words.
Heavy words.
Tremendously heavy when put in such an order, yet individually they are quite light.

Many people believe that 'love' is tossed around so lightly these days in random conversation about unworthy objects or not truly meant when said about a person. So I have found that I intend to use it more often in the 'proper' context, with the proper meaning.

Yet it is so sad how easily such a phrase is thrown around so hollowly, so often. So my dearest daughter, I need you to remember* this because this is important.

When I tell you 'I love you' my words mean so many things. First and foremost I mean that my heart is so much more full than I ever imagined possible, that I can not imagine what emptiness I would feel if I ever lost you. To even have the thought of such a thing happen, cross my mind is beyond heartbreaking. When I say I love you, it means that no matter what because even at the beautiful age of two there are days where I want to rip our my hair (and yours), and days that you've already decided you 'hate me' (though I am not at all sure where you picked that beautiful phrase up from...). Yet I still will do anything to keep you safe and healthy. When the words 'I love you' are uttered, in even in quick passing as I walk out the daycare door, they translate in to 'I'm sorry I can't give you more, more of me, more of anything and everything.' Those three words are substitute for me apologizing for everything I don't know how to be, or can't be. I'm so sorry for falling asleep on the couch while you color and watch Daniel Tiger. I'm sorry I lose my temper and raise my voice. I'm sorry I have this depression. I'm sorry sometimes I don't know how to handle you, or have dinner ready before eight, or the energy to take you to the park more. It's means that I realize I fall short, and even though you haven't quite caught on to that, I truly am trying to adjust such shortcomings. It means I'm sorry you don't have a full time father.

It means that even though, in that instance you may be screaming bloody murder, I will always be there for you. I will always be your calm, your safe place, your warms arms to run to, and the one that will kiss every boo-boo, and scare away every monster. 

To my sweetest friends,
Now, when I tell you 'I love you', it is now where near as mushy, but still quite sentimental.

I mean that you have impacted my life in someway or another. Yet if I'm telling you 'I love you' you have impacted me in a way that is beneficial. You must have been there to hear me whine, and complain, and be sad or to hear me non-stop rambling about something that made me happy. Cute guy finally acknowledged my existence, LittleMiss said she loves me and I'm her best friend and she potted in the potty for most of the weekend?? Yah you put up with a lot. Sometimes I know that you simply need to hear those words from someone who cares about you. Someone who wants to hear you ramble about the cute guy who gave you two free cookies, and an extra espresso shot for free, or the guy who cooks you dinner even though you keep your wall up, and the guy who makes you feel like you are the prettiest girl in the world and like maybe everything is going to be okay. My dearest friends, I tell you 'I love you' not only is it because I never want you to forget that I care about you and always will, but I also want you to know that you have made me happy and brightened my life up a bit.

To my wonderful family,
You drive me crazy. Essentially every single one of you.
And I love you so dearly for it. We may not be close, emotionally or physically, but I love you. Sometimes I say it more than I should (because I'm worried you'll forget about me), sometimes I don't say it enough (because I don't want to bother you), yet I always mean it. You may not cross my mind every single day but I can promise you cross my mind more often than not. Unfortunately I'm not as in touch with  most of you as I would like, but we're adults who must adult daily, keeping up with silly adult responsibilities. Just remember no matter what I love you, care about you, and will always be there if you ever need someone to talk to. We have our different views, stages of life, experiences and hopes, but we share blood. It may not seem like it but you've all helped shape my in some way or another. I love seeing your photos pop up on my Facebook and instagram. I love having random silly and serious conversations via snapchat. You all mean the world to me, and I mean so much when I say I love you. I mean I can't wait to see you again, I can't wait to talk to you again, I hope you are safe and happy.


Never forget, because it is tremendously important for me that you know that I care about you. Because never for one second, do I want any of you to ever feel lonely, or sad, or not good enough. If I should tell any person that I love them it is because they need it as much as I do.


Never forget that I tend to keep people in my life that will be of benefit for me. Yes, that is selfish. But I want people who will be positive, honest, make me smile more than than frown or angry. So while you may not see your benefit, I do. Maybe you inspire me, maybe you've helped me grow as a person, or learn more about myself. Maybe you make me laugh, or better yet I can make you laugh.

*Please do not be upset if a photo of you is not present. I only have so much space it was difficult to choose as is.

**If you do not want your photo present please inform me quickly so I can take it down.

***This post was written over three days. It is not perfect.