A Hurried Post

This is hurried for a few reasons, which equates to that pile of 'to-do's on my plate.

As all of you well know, I am a single mommy. I took time off of college to create a bond with my beautiful daughter.

Now it is time for me to get seriously extra serious, get back in to school and secure the best future for my wee-one that I can. Folks, family, friends, people I don't know that well personally, please pray for me.

I am going to be learning to live on a strict schedule. I will be applying for a part time job (as in a second job), keeping my current full time job, and returning to school this coming January. I will keep up my blogging ( or trying to catch up and post at least 2 or 3 times a week.

This is incredibly stressful and I have yet to finish applying for a second job and school(mostly because of the great debate of which school will I be committing to).

I have tons more to say but so much on that plate of to-do is calling my name.

Where oh where has the time gone??

Two months 10days (about four hours and 13minutes) ago is when I was blessed with a personal living talking breathing heater.

(I call her my heater, because she keeps me warm, and right now is burning me up. But she is cool, so I'm not worried.)

Right now she is snuggled in the crook of my left arm as we lay on the couch. The tv is on, her swing is rocking back in fourth in loneliness because I stole the baby and forgot to turn it off. In an attempt of revenge its makes it clicking noise annoying my right ear(the ear that is closest). My cellphone is on the counter in the kitchen charging. There are probably a few text messages and missed phone calls, but I'm soaking up my cuddle time.

I am working at a restaurant now, as well as looking forward to the start of being a baker for a local coffee shop. It surprises me how easily I fell back into being a waitress, but it surprises me even more that of the mothers that I work with, I seem to be the only one who is overly excited about going home to my baby at the end of my shift. (God knows, I probably am wrong, but I've noticed I'm the only one who vocalizes the excitement.)

I brag on my LittleMiss. The tables I wait on even get to hear about her. How her giggles light up my day, how she can change my mood for the better without trying, her first word was 'hi', she's working on 'ello', she's started making the 'mmm' sound which excites me because it's so close to 'mommy', how I can tell when she wakes up in a good mood or when I know she doesn't feel well. Or how I know she's sleepy because her little eyebrows get red, or how much I love her sleepy baby eyes when she gets sleepy. And that she gave her Kunkle (also her godfather) the bird for the first time and thought it was hysterical (thank goodness he caught a photo!!).

My first week of work was so very stressful! Every day, every shift I had LittleMiss had a different sitter. Tuesday, SOA night, Kunkle walked into my apartment after picking LittleMiss up for me and saw me crying on the couch. I was beyond stressed, I was missing LittleMiss, I was tired/exhausted, and I was angry after locking my keys in my car.

Thank God my car insurance covers locking my keys in my car. Thank God for blessing me with an amazing church. Kunkle reassured me that LittleMiss knew who I was, she may not register the emotion of love, but she knew me even when she was with her sitters. He also informed me that she is probably more loved than some children who have both parents and huge families. Everyone who has watched her loves her, and me. She is cared for, she is adored and she is loved.

And that helped more than words can express.

I envy stay at home moms. I would love to be one, but that is not in my cards at the moment. So instead I am busting my a** to provide for my daughter. If it came down to it I would sell all of MY possessions (MINE, not hers. Except for those four duplicate cloth diapers she has. Those don't count. Or those disposable Honest diapers that are too small now.)
Anyways, it won't always be like this. I know that, my future is bright because I believe in Jesus. I will embrace my trials as the book of James suggests. I know more will come.

So single mommies, remember always that your little one(s) are beyond worth the tears and struggles you will face. Every morning I wake up, blessed to have another day with LittleMiss.

Birthday {Cheese}Cake

((This is a post I forgot to push publish on...oopsies))

:)

The love of my life doesn't know my name.

Doesn't talk much. 

Has no favorite books. 

Or colors

Or songs 

Isnt very active

But enjoys all the sites. 

Laughs randomly

And giggles. 

My love has red-brown hair, dark blue eyes and a small nose. 

Doesn't worry much about fashion. 

Or care about how I look. 

Loves being held. 

One day she'll call me mom.

Beings a single mom is for the birds.

I love my daughter, I would never trade a single hectic moment for the world. But this is not easy, especially as I'm working from home. I have laundry piled on multiple peices of furniture, dishes slightly stacked, floors need mopping, rugs need vaccumed, and my "office" space needs organization. Luckily my mom and step dad agreed to come over and love on her so I can get some serious work done for my business.

I want cookies, she wants cuddles. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE holding her, but I was really wanting cookies and had a few calls to make. 

Thank God a gal from church offered to come over Saturday to help me actually clean. :) 

I have moments where I HIGHLY detest her sperm donor; leaving me alone to tend, nurture and care for her. Those are things I love doing, but I have so much else to do as well. And sometimes it would be nice to have someone give her a bottle instead of my nursing her at 230am then coaxing her to sleep. 

So ladies who are blessed to have your man by your side, be grateful, thank god everyday. 

I must say, I am one proud momma at how well she is holding her head up on her own. 

Sofa Spit up

I may have spit up on my sofa, bags under my eyes, when I'm lucky 6hours of sleep, I'll never have my old body back, forever will my house be litered with pink-sparkles and makeup but every minute is worth it. 

Her smiles, her giggles, silly faces, tiny sleeping squeals. 

A 6pound distraction

This little goofy sleeping beauty is a beautiful distraction to my days. I love when she just falls asleep on me in what ever position is most comfortable. Especially when she passes out on my chest; it's comforting knowing that the sound of my heart beat still soothes her.

Although most of this is do to slight, sleep deprivation, besides her little faces and sleeping squeals, I don't remember much since she has been home. With me. In my arms.

Sleep

I think last night I actually got a total of 6hours. That is very exciting! today I might even be able to take a nap, if SweetPea lets me... She is getting more roly-poly! We are however having a few issues with overproduction, possible relux OR allergy. Since I'm mildly lactose intolerant, that was the first thing I cut out. So far there is a LITTLE improvement, but I've heard it can take two week to a month to really show results.

And to be honest, I'm not that into dairy anyways.

{16days old}

Update/Ramblings

She is perfect. And I am so in love.
Her little squeaks while she sleeps, her silly faces, her attentive eyes and tiny ears. Just everything about her. So far she eats more than I ever thought a new baby would, and is a poop machine. Pooping more than I thought, which I don't really know what I thought. I think last night alone I changed four or five poopy diapers. After she pooped in our postpartum herb bath.

"I'm just a poop machine, and I don't work for nobody but you!!"

Just wait, when you have your little one, you're going to find how crazy it is that you love this little one so much. That you get lost just staring at them and holding them and the day flies by.

That you laugh when they poo because it's just so loud for such a little creature. Yes, it does smell already, but the smell doesn't really get to you...not yet anyways.

While I was baby prepping I was so against having tons and tons of pink in her room or wardrobe. Now, I don't really care. Maybe I still do care a little, but not as much. She is just as cute in pink, as she is in green, or blue. I will say I am very thankful that she mostly has light pinks, so she isn't in a pink over load!

Her going home outfit..which was a size and a half too big.

I can't believe it's already been six days since she made her first cry. It was a short and sweet cry. 

{Photo by my birth photographer}

{Photo by my birth photographer}

Last night in the midst of having our first postpartum bath, she was much more alert. Her little beautiful eyes nice and wide open, taking in the soft light of the bathroom (I have Christmas lights plugged in since the fan connects to the light and is very loud and annoy). I realized she has her fathers eyes. 

And my heart melted. 

Not out of longing for him, but for her. Because she is so beautiful, because she is so smart and because I don't want her to be furious with me in the future. See, I've made my mind up, I will not be going after said sperm-donor for child support. I will love and raise my daughter on my own, until God sends the perfect man for me. In making that decision, and for the most part feeling like it is the correct decision, I do find myself questioning the 10% of me that thinks I should give him another chance to be a father.

That 90% that keeps telling me he does not deserve her keeps winning. So when she is old enough to understand I will explain everything to her. If she decides to find him when she is old enough to do so, I will support her 100%. 

 I hate not holding her. I know that I don't always need to hold her, but I love the skin-to-skin bonding time. I love knowing that my heart beat still soothes her.

My mom tried to tell me that I don't have to hold her, that she will be spoiled. But SweetPea is only six days old, there is no way that she will be spoiled from holdings.

 I feel a little bad; I have been blowing facebook up with photos of her. But it's really hard not to. I mean look at that cuteness!!!

Monday I'm going to start working on getting back into shape. I'm excited. I'll be posting pictures frequently. I've already been watching what I eat and all. I'm pretty excited to be honest. We (little one and I) will be going for walks! Maybe starting/joining a Mommy work out group! Who knows!

Baby Power!

My {labor} Story

I'm typing this quickly. Before I forget too much of it I wanted to make sure I was able to share. I can't keep my eyes off of her, and it's almost time to try to fee her again and it's late. I'm still running off of adrenaline. I really can't believe she is here. Actually here. In my arms. And beautiful. So beautiful and so perfect. She is quite, latches well(when she wants too), full head of hair. Just all around a complete blessing.

Everything started Monday:
Monday I had my doctors appointment and he decided to strip my membranes since I was still only dilated one centimeter. That was very uncomfortable!

Tuesday afternoon my mucus plug came out. That evening my contractions started. Very early labor contractions, very far apart and not too terrible.

Wednesday: as you read my contractions were much more noticeable. Last night around 8pm they were about 30to20minutes apart. I was able to get about three hours of sleep, give or take a few minutes, when I woke up about 11ish. My contractions became 14-10minutes apart. Very strong. I waited as long as I could. It was last I didn't want to call my mom or my Doula to go to the doctor to only be dilated to a 2. But I forfeited, listening to my little voice inside. Just in case I were farther along than that I would rather be safe than sorry.

At 150AM I walked in to the hospital and told them I was having contractions about 6minutes apart now. They wheeled me up to the Labor and Delivery room so that I could get settled in. When the nurse checked me I was at about a 4.5 and roughly 80% effaced. Thank you God for having me come in when I did.

My Doula was such a blessing and a huge help. She went above and beyond for me. Walking with me, staying in tune with my all over the place conversations, reassuring me through it all.  Letting me hold her hand when the contractions came and tell me how great of a job I was doing. When I got to the transition spot she was great. I was shaking, nauseous and very cranky. At one point I decided that the shower sounded like a good idea, hopefully it would help my contractions, keep me calm. My mom got into the shower with me, my Doula stayed just to the side but got almost as wet.

When my nausea hit the breaking point (a point that my mom actually can't handle, when people get sick she gets sick), Doula stayed told me it was okay and even picked a few of the chunks out of the shower floor for me. She knew that that was the transition period, so she coaxed me back into the bed. Movement was not my friend. Some how or other though, God aloud me to sleep (half unconscious) between the contractions.

I cussed a few times.

I felt bad for the nurses, they couldn't do anything with-out triggering a contraction. When they came back in to check me I was at a nine and ready to go. They stepped out and I decided to get into a leaning forward squatting position. I was sitting on my knees, with my forearms and chest resting on a birthing ball. My left hand held my moms hand while my right hand held Doula's hand. It was on. It hurt.

And I knew it was time. There was a burning sensation. And the pushing...the pushing was involuntary. It happened. And the farther she went down and out the louder I got. It felt...like something coming out of me. Girls it's almost like when you have a tampon in, but somehow it starts making it's way out on it's own. Only 10times bigger. She was coming. My Doula kept reminding me how to breath, deep LOW noises with fast-short exhales.

I didn't hear it (as I was too busy making deep screams) but one of the nurses chided my doula saying she wasn't supposed to let me push until they were back in the room. Like I mentioned though, it was involuntary. My entire pushing time was less than five minutes. The nurses came in to catch the baby just in time. She was pretty much a veil birth (meaning she was birthed in the amniotic sac, my water never broke. My doctor respected my wishes to not break my water, I wanted it to happen naturally. Well it never really did.) The nurses had to break the sack while she was head out, her shoulders almost got stuck and they had to make sure the cord wasn't around her neck.

I felt it as they burst the bag. It sloshed on my leg, very wet.

I heard one of them saying that they needed to page my doctor, another stated they couldn't get ahold of him. So the first repeatedly said to page a second and then a third doctor if they couldn't get the second. I was too busy pushing to pay too much mind, but I had had a feeling my doctor wouldn't make it to the birth. The thought entered my mind again.

She came out so quickly. And they asked if I wanted to turn and see her. All I could ask is if she was okay. They quickly picked her up, toweled her off and had me laying back(but slightly sitting up). The nurses handed her to me and she is fine. I ask "She is a girl, right?" That brought a little bit of a chuckle and a yes.

But they weren't lying when they tell you the pain really does go away when you hold your baby. Most of it went away. My doctor came in and helped to deliver my placenta, I was having very minor contractions because my body was so ready to get it out. I asked if I had torn, he told me yes but it was only a very small labia tear. I was surprised. But very thankful.

As I've mentioned and mentioned, God used this beautiful baby girl and this pregnancy to bring me closer to him. Granted I did vocalize that I was a little bit upset with Eve.

Going through the contractions was not easy. It was very very painful. But at one point I had the revelation that Jesus went through so much worse for us. That the pain I was feeling was almost a retribution for my past sins that I was having a hard time forgiving myself of. I also had to ask God to give me strength through the transition period as well as through the pushing stage. He did. I really believe he did.

I went through this birth completely natural. No pain pills. Plenty of times in my head I didn't think I could do it, that I wanted her out, that I wanted the pain medication, that it was just too much. But with Gods grace and with God's help I was able to do so. And I love her so so very much.

My birth photographer was great. She was helpful to my doula and mom when I had their hands for my contractions, she took pictures of some awkward things. But she was great! I am so thankful for her.


It was a great birth, just what I wanted. I had hoped/wanted her born on her due date (check), I had hoped she might be born on a rainy day(check, we even have some places that are flooded, and the storms stopped shortly after she was born). She latched so quickly and easily. She loves skin to skin contact.

She is my everything.

I know I've probably left a few things out. But I am ready to feed her and nap until the next time.

I hope you've all had a fantastic Thursday.

Almost There

I can barely concentrate today, and I feel terrible because I am sure that I am not making the best of sense when talking to tenants...or anyone for that matter. If you're a man you may want to stop reading now. Just a caring heads up. Yesterday after noon my mucus plug came out. I can not explain how excited I was/am. When you are pregnant and on that verge of giving birth you will understand. I honestly got to the point where I was worried I had missed it. Trust me, you won't miss it. Most of it (I think) came out yesterday, a little more has came out today as well.

Baby Box

It's exactly like it sounds. It's just a box you put your baby in! Just kidding!!!

While I was looking at ideas on organizing the nursery I ran across this little gem: organizing paperwork. It was one of those moments where you slap your hand against your head, like 'really? All my life I've been trying to organize my own paperwork, and the answer is so simple!!"

So I went ahead and made one for SweetPea since getting started on organizing all of her paperwork now will be so much easier than waiting for it be to lost everywhere like mine is. I do plan on making one for myself, but it will be much smaller since I'm past the growing up stage!

Unexpected Twins

I think this is every pregnant womans biggest fear: going into labor only to find out that you are giving birth to two babies.

That happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly doctors appointment and ended up waiting...oh about two hours and only saw my doctor for an actual...15-20 minutes. The reason he was so behind with his appointment ended up being because he had had two births at lunch. One was unexpected twins. Mommy didn't know, Ultrasound tech didn't know.. no one knew. That is pretty darn scary. I even asked him, was she a bigger girl? -No, she was smaller. And she gave birth to over ten pounds of baby because one of them was 7pounds.

Boobie Balm

Lookie what I got in the mail today!!!

How to Remove an EvenFlo Canopy!

Sadly this tasks took me way to long to complete. Because I had such an annoying time trying to figure out and find information on how to do this I wanted to make sure that you had a much easier time than I did!!

{Before}

Exciting!!

Every time I get something in the mail for SweetPea (gift or something that I've purchased) it almost always feels like a gift for me!! I suppose in a sense it is, since she really can't enjoy the items yet...

Anyways look what I got in the mail today!! More cloth diapers!! So exciting! There are two in this order that I'm not sure if I previously ordered, or ordered after this one was placed. If I do have duplicates I may sell the extras..hmm...

Cloth diapers are so cute, addicting to shop
 for, and so budget/environmentally friendly! My 'collection' is definitely growing!!! :)

Baby Needs

I have definitely been blessed with so many gifts for the arrival of my daughter! Gifts both before and from the baby shower! I'm very happy with how well everyone listened to the registry that I built. I was worried that it wouldn't be received well since it was personally built and not from any store in particular.
But there are still several things that I need:

Friends

When single and pregnant, friends are a little harder to stay in touch with. It's nothing against your and nothing against them, it is just a simple fact. Right now you are preparing for a little one on the way, easily exhausted or tired, not much for mobility and you probably get grouchy easy!

Birth Photography Journey

**aka pulling my hair out**
 
Thus far finding a photographer has been a huge pain in the butt!! Like I stated before, you can find a really good and cheap photographer on craigslist. I was severally annoyed by one photographer, was very close to having another lined up, and my third (but actually top choice) will be on vacation until two days after my due date. This whole process has been beyond frustrating for me.

Great Mom on a Budget

ahhh *sigh of pleasure and relief*
Ladies I think you will all agree seeing 'what you saved' compared to what it could have been has always and will always be a great feeling.

I stopped by Old Navy on their $1 flip-flop sale, look at that! A total savings of $14.70! Made me happy! I was able to purchase 4pairs for myself and 1pair for my mom as a gift.