Just a quick {update}

Things are good.
I feel good.

Really though, this morning has felt... like... like I can breathe! Of course the simple fact of it being a Wednesday and not Tuesday or Thursday helps quite a bit.
I can breathe.

Read that again, just one more time; okay make it two.
The second time read those three words slowly, and as if you yourself feel like you can finally breathe once everyone in the dog-pile gets off of you and you finally have your breath after running as hard and as fast as you could for five minutes.

Do you understand now?

The feeling is so relieving, and exciting.
and terrifying. 

'What? Girl, why you sayin' it's terrifying??' (that's you asking me)
Because that means that at any moment the creeping fog will come in full force. Maybe slowly, maybe fast, maybe lightly or maybe so thick you can't see through it. That is why I try not to think about those moments where everything feels great, I can breathe and the mornings are smooth.

I have, however, been attempting to pay more attention to what I'm feeling these past few days so that I can provide a decent analysis for those of you reading. Over the past few days I've been feeling better, lighter if you will.

  (The weather is beautiful today, which also helped to keep my mood up. It's tremendously important to get out for even a few moments; especially when the sun is shining and the wind is beautiful.)

I've been taking vitamins regularly, incorporating supposed depression-fighting foods into my diet, as well as making it a point to ride my bicycle again. This morning there was even enough time to wake up to do a quick routine of morning yoga. (which I'll be doing again this evening as I've noticed my hips are getting a little tight.)

(We all know one of my strong points is confidence and over exaggerated vanity. Which is a bi-product of hiding my depression for so long...  Yet with that being said, it's important to find beauty in yourself. It's important to be silly and goofy.)

Unfortunately as hard as I try to keep some sort of routine going in my life it doesn't seem to fully stick. It's there, it's just not... exceedingly consistent. I'm currently seeing a handsome young man whom I find a little bit of comfort in his routine; it's actually a huge help for me. It's comforting and relaxing to know that I can rely on the knowledge of when I will hear from him. Yes it sounds silly, but it's true. I'm making a large conscious effort to build and maintain a set-ish schedule and routine. Apparently routines are a big help in our battle.
Thus far I know that keeping 2-3calenders is a big help for me staying on track. In each of them (well I try to keep them all synced) my attempts are to have most of my day scheduled, of course with room for movement.
For example I have:

• Morning yoga
• Shower
• Wake-up/Start getting LittleMiss ready
• Leave
• Study Time
• Class.....

and so forth... Keep in mind each day is different, this is a simple rubric I attempt to keep.

This all leads to....

Rule Four:
Establish some sort of a routine for yourself. Read my above routine again if that gives you so help. Keep it simple and short to start with. Maybe wake up every morning at a set time, follow it with morning reading/yoga/coffee/tea/walk what have you. Maybe take lunch at a within a set time frame everyday (such as between 1130 and 130, giving you wiggle room should something come up to hinder your leaving time). Maybe, just maybe your routine needs to be reading or journaling for thirty minutes everyday. 
Don't worry if at first it doesn't stick. This is all trial and error, do not, do not  stress about setting up and find your routine. Starting small is always easiest, always best. By starting small we are able to find what really works for us, what truly fits the best. 

;

Update/Ramblings

She is perfect. And I am so in love.
Her little squeaks while she sleeps, her silly faces, her attentive eyes and tiny ears. Just everything about her. So far she eats more than I ever thought a new baby would, and is a poop machine. Pooping more than I thought, which I don't really know what I thought. I think last night alone I changed four or five poopy diapers. After she pooped in our postpartum herb bath.

"I'm just a poop machine, and I don't work for nobody but you!!"

Just wait, when you have your little one, you're going to find how crazy it is that you love this little one so much. That you get lost just staring at them and holding them and the day flies by.

That you laugh when they poo because it's just so loud for such a little creature. Yes, it does smell already, but the smell doesn't really get to you...not yet anyways.

While I was baby prepping I was so against having tons and tons of pink in her room or wardrobe. Now, I don't really care. Maybe I still do care a little, but not as much. She is just as cute in pink, as she is in green, or blue. I will say I am very thankful that she mostly has light pinks, so she isn't in a pink over load!

Her going home outfit..which was a size and a half too big.

I can't believe it's already been six days since she made her first cry. It was a short and sweet cry. 

{Photo by my birth photographer}

{Photo by my birth photographer}

Last night in the midst of having our first postpartum bath, she was much more alert. Her little beautiful eyes nice and wide open, taking in the soft light of the bathroom (I have Christmas lights plugged in since the fan connects to the light and is very loud and annoy). I realized she has her fathers eyes. 

And my heart melted. 

Not out of longing for him, but for her. Because she is so beautiful, because she is so smart and because I don't want her to be furious with me in the future. See, I've made my mind up, I will not be going after said sperm-donor for child support. I will love and raise my daughter on my own, until God sends the perfect man for me. In making that decision, and for the most part feeling like it is the correct decision, I do find myself questioning the 10% of me that thinks I should give him another chance to be a father.

That 90% that keeps telling me he does not deserve her keeps winning. So when she is old enough to understand I will explain everything to her. If she decides to find him when she is old enough to do so, I will support her 100%. 

 I hate not holding her. I know that I don't always need to hold her, but I love the skin-to-skin bonding time. I love knowing that my heart beat still soothes her.

My mom tried to tell me that I don't have to hold her, that she will be spoiled. But SweetPea is only six days old, there is no way that she will be spoiled from holdings.

 I feel a little bad; I have been blowing facebook up with photos of her. But it's really hard not to. I mean look at that cuteness!!!

Monday I'm going to start working on getting back into shape. I'm excited. I'll be posting pictures frequently. I've already been watching what I eat and all. I'm pretty excited to be honest. We (little one and I) will be going for walks! Maybe starting/joining a Mommy work out group! Who knows!

Baby Power!

Rambling/Head Spinning

Today is obviously May 17. Which means I have just under 3months.
Just.
Under.
Three Months.

THREE.

I just feel like sitting and staring at a piece of blank wall. At the same time I want to clean and organize the nursery or the kitchen or make some paper or go for a walk or crawl into a ball under the crib and just stay there to hide for a little while.

Rainy Evening

This is probably going to be one of those really long posts that attempt(or may even be) just a bunch of ramblings from the heart that I won't care if I edit or not(except the misspelled words..hate those..).

It's been a while since I've let my fingers do the typing and my heart the writing. For those of you who know me or have caught on, I love rainy days. They bring out my creative side, my in-tune side. Rainy days are fantastic for cuddling, turning off the tv, a few logs in the fire place, maybe a warm cup of hot coco, and that person that you are thinking of right now; the one you want to cuddle and not let go. Isn't it funny that while I described the scene it was you who put it all together and chose the person you would like to have your arms wrapped around?

Sadly, I have no one to wrap my arms around. Peacock and I have decided to take a break. I have a lot of stress with work, school, family in poor health while he also has his own stresses right now. I don't know if we will get back together, but I can't make myself stop hoping. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the truth. I miss him. Maybe it's just with-drawls, the not having a goodmorning text to wake up to, sweet dream text to fall asleep after or the random 'how has your day been' texts to get me through my day. I may not know what's going to happen or where we are going to end up but God does.

I've thought long and hard on the situation. I never wanted to hurt him, he never wanted to hurt me. Somewhere along the road we were both stung, by previous relationships as well as ours. One day we'll be able to get over it all, just like everyone else out there who has had that sting that is still sore to the touch.

I am beyond thankful for my family and my friends. I have been blessed more than I realized with them. Miss Oklamhoma and I have been talking A LOT more, something I think we both need and keeps us sane! She is living a life that I am proud of for her. One that she is happy with, very happy with. I also have MM, who is like my big brother! He and I don't talk as much as we used to but I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he will always be there for me, and vise versa. He is in a new relationship that makes him sooo happy, he smiles so much more now than when he used to. I'm also thankful for my Mom and Step-Dad, we haven't always gotten along, but we have gotten very close in the recent years. I'm thankful for all of my family on the West Coast. I never see enough of them and crave to go home to them as much as I can. No matter what my cousins are always positive, my dad always teaches me something new and so does my Aunt. I wish I could talk to my grampa more, but the time differences makes that a little hard.

He and my late grandma didn't have the worlds best relationship, but they loved each other so much. Stuck it out thick and thin. I miss her a lot also. Since she past my other grandmother and I have grown a lot closer. I refuse to miss an oppurtunity to spend time with my grandparents, talk and learn from them as much as I can. My Gammy E. lives in California with her husband(newly weds!). Talking about all of my west Coast family is making me terribly home sick.

Don't get me wrong, Arkansas has a large portion of my heart and always will. After all I learned a little(not enough) about cars, hunting and becamevery intune with my country side, but California will always have a home feeling for me. One that I will never be able to shake. Who knows, like I've mentioned a few times before, I may end up back there. Maybe the coast, maybe more inland, maybe just a vacation home. ;]

I'm getting cold...which by proxy brings my back to relationships. No matter what age you are you will one day learn that you don't need to be completed; what you need is to be complimented. That the person whom you are with should not be needed by you, they should be wanted. Especially for the girls out there. While I do believe the man is the head of the household, I believe that a woman should still be able to be independent.

I also believe that I am suddenly terribly tired. I'm sorry I didn't ramble more, I honestly meant to. But the rainy weather is draining me... ugh.

sweet dreams ya'll.

Coach Potato

Ah the couch potato. I have not been one of those in a long time but hey here I am layin on the couch, texting and watching Teen Mom. 

Which by the way, whats her name...Amber? I'm worried she's fried her brain with drugs. As she sits there talking to her grief counselor she seems very stoned. I know that's a little harsh. 

I have a bunch of photos to upload. but it took about half an hour for me to upload about six of them to face book, so you will have to wait until tomorrow..

In the mean time I started my diet to today.. 

Then the end of the day happened and I crashed.

Why? You may ask.

I'll tell you:

About 750 a guest came into the store and I 'volunteered as tribute' ;) .They were a very friendly couple and I had absolutely no problem helping them. They even purchased a table and 8chairs and our repair/replace plan. Fantastic. :)

I didn't leave til about...930. I was starving. I ate 5cookies. I could barely stop myself. So my two days of starting the diet will be turned into four days. Woohoo. No pain no gain right?? Needless to say I was a little flustered after I left work. 

An old close friend of mine ended up texting me and asking if I wanted to go to dinner and catch up; I agreed. So we'll be meeting for dinner at 7pm tomorrow. I will be very strictly sticking to the diet. All I can eat is fish and two veggies. So that is all that's gonna happen. :)

I also can't believe I'm doing this but here are my Start Pictures. The Weight Loss pictures will be uploaded Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, you can guarantee one of those days. I don't know my starting weight. And I won't be using a scale for a while. Less pressure that way. Although come July 1st I will have to; we are doing a weight loss competition and it ends that day. 

Well I'm rambling so here are the pictures, I guess I should attempt to go to sleep after all I was just 

informed it's one in the morning. Don't know how that happened!!

This one was supposed to be cropped..thanks for failing me iPhone. 

Pardon my Emotions

I'm sure you greatly noticed how pathetic my last post was; but hey it happens.

As one of my best friends would say: I used my girl card.

(I'm still not entirely sure what that means..)

Anyways, as I'm sure you guess, I had to give my puppy doggy up. It is a hard but true fact. With my schedule being what it is, its not fair to her. She needs to be able to be a puppy dog and run and play and get all the love she can. So I gave her to a good friend of mine from high school. He has a ton of acres she can run and have fun on!
(I'll be honest, I did cry...a little...more than a little..)

Oh that "date" I was pretty excited about, pretty sure I was [in a sense] stood up. Yeah I give up on this guy. :/ I actually give up on all guys at this moment. My life will consist of focusing on school and work. And probably decorating my apartment.

(personal photo)

It's much more fun when they don't match.

The weight-loss challenge has been really fun. It's interesting to see how everyone is doing this and taking it so seriously. I'm proud of my co-workers, it's good to see that they do care about their health, and that we can work as a team. It's almost boosted morale, or maybe that's just spring... ;)

My sleeping pill helped a lot. I only woke up once, but was a little groggy this morning. Again though I have forgotten to take it. That will be happening soon. I'm hoping I can get on a sleep schedule, it would be a huge help. 

(I'm also going to invest in a LOT of lavender items! Shhh, don't tell ;]  )

Dolls,

I'm going to take my sleeping aid, and try to get some sleep. There's some chopping and snack packing I've got to do in the morning!!

Sweet Dreams!!

Moving. (Again)

I know in a few previous post from the past I talked about how this was going to be the last move and it would not be happening again; at least until my lease was up.

Well that bit me in the ass.

Two main reasons I moved to this apartment:
1.  Joshua and I were trying and things were going really good. He lives close. (That should be pretty damn self explanatory.

2. It sooo close to work. Literally the longest it's taken me to get to work is...8minutes??



I have a three bedroom two bathroom apartment. I've had four potential room mates bail out on me. Two of them had reasons I completely understand(so if he and she read this, then yes, I completely understand. love ya'll :]  ). The other two, yea I have no idea. I'm working on having someone take over my lease. They pretty much have until...well Tuesday to give me a final answer. Two people came to look at it, I just received  a text from a woman who will talk to her husband. So I'll let her know she has until Tuesday to give me a final answer.

I am very ready to get out of this apartment. It is way to much room for just Duchess and I. Not to mention I really can't handle being this close to Joshua. Like I said, I may have left, and I know that I hurt him. But I guess it's all catching up to me know. How he just dropped this all on me really got me.

So I will be moving over by the airport. I'm actually really excited. It's an amazing complex that is really community oriented. They've been around a little longer than this one, so they're a little more established. I'm sure the complex I'm moving from will be growing to doing more. Who knows. In all honesty, I am a single girl who lives by her self; it's really not that safe for me to be here alone. I'm much better off at the other complex.

I took a sleeping pill so I may be finished with this pretty quickly. I've, yet again, been having trouble sleeping these past few nights. It's really the weekends that get to me. I'm not really sure why, but all through the week I'll be fine and then bam. Saturday and Sunday are just not that great of days for me. It's a bit perplexing.

I still having my amazing Family support group, my Biological family support group and my work support group. I'm loved.  I just have to remember it.

One day this week I'll be taking my rings to a jewelry place to see how much I can get for them, and it should be a pretty good help. Even if it's not tons, anything will help while I'm trying to move. I'm also going to take the serving set that we used at the wedding. Who knows there may be a little silver in it. ;)


Work is still going great. I'm really blessed.
I hope everyone has a GREAT sunday!! I'll be doing a MUCH happier post... the NEXT post!! hahah

That Mini Book I was telling you about..

Well you're in luck, here it is.
Since I can't decide what to post about first I'm just going to go crazy and post it all. So yes this will be an all over the place crazy town ramble post. Now the other question is: where do I start first?

Oh! Here we go...

Family.

This something I've been horribly putting off for a while.

Although this is not the best picture, this is most of us.

And yes, we are amazing. I am so very blessed to have everyone of them in my life. They are always there for me, especially so with all the mess and stress going on in my life. But I am always there for them, just the same. Everyone of us are going through something at different times and points, and we are always there.

Anytime we get together you can guarantee we will have way too much fun. Even more so when there is NO alcohol. (I say that because Josh thinks, I don't know if he still does, but think/thought all we do/ I do is drink.)

This is VnK. 

This is K.Gayle and Tin.L .

Tin.L and his odd winter face warmer mask thing.

Ahh one of the best nights ever. 

We really know how to have fun. They mean a LOT to me. In fact any guy that wants to be in a relationship with me, will have to get their approval before we would move any further. Let me you, not only have they (unknowingly) set high standards for me, but so has my ex husband. 

The other night, Tuesday night, I was pretty upset and depressed and they helped me big time. G.Gui and Pops had a bit of a get together at their house. It really ended up being a few of them practicing/play around on their musical instruments. 

G.Gui patiently waited until I was ready to talk about everything. It took...two hours. He didn't push he didn't pry, he let me go on like everything was alright and when I was ready to talk about it all, he listened and gave me feed back and advice. Not to mention he spoiled Duchess.


Ex-Husband.

Hmm, where do I start with this one?
Okay, so Sunday Josh asked me to stop by on Tuesday so that we could "talk" and then Monday told me all of my things were ready to be picked up as well. Because I only have a Corolla and it's obviously not very big I told him I would have to stop by Monday night to get part of it. I got there and he asked me to sit down and asked me....a question and told him a few things that well pissed me off. Then he told me he had the divorce papers and would be filing.
It was a bit of a shock and stung pretty bad. I've been trying to save up and find a good lawyer to get this taken care of. Not only have I been trying to afford this mess but I've been trying to come to grips with a few things. I made a lot of promises, to Josh and to God and both of our families. I even was told by a high school friend of mine during coffee a few weeks ago that no one saw this coming, we "were the perfect couple".
We had a lot of plans and dreams and hopes.
And we had a lot of differences.
One of the things that hurt and stung the most, was when he started trying to tell me things that he thought I wanted to hear. About adoption, about us, about pretty much every and anything.
I know I was the one that left and caused all of this but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it won't leave scars.



Work.

I know I mentioned this in the last post, but I'M M.I.T!! It's so so so exciting! I've been so very blessed with this job. I mean I am twenty years old and a Manager In Training. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from my co-workers and from upper management. I've made my family (haha both) proud. It's such a great opportunity.
Before the promotion I even got my official name tag and business cards!! Eek!! So exciting!!

Funny work picture(after hours of course haha)

I know there are a few things I'm missing. Seeing as this isn't as long as I thought it would be but it's better than the nothings that I've been leaving you with right??

Definitely be looking forward to Etsy posts. I'll be buying a ton of stuff soon. :))

It's just so hard to figure out what I'll be buying first. Well, I think I just answered my own question. haha

Have a great day!!

MiniBook??

If I posted everything I wanted to, well this would be just that: a mini book.

Good Lord, there are so many things going on right now.

Lets start with the good:

I am a MANAGER IN TRAINING!! what what?? Pretty awesome. Not gonna lie.
                                It's really exciting. I'm really really blessed to have moved as far as I have (and have to go).
I might have found a roommate!! Not going to count these eggs before they hatch. But still pretty excited.


Okay now on to the more bad. Josh is filing the papers. That's a long drawn out story that I would rather not go into tonight.


Oh another good: I have an amazing family. Both biological and bro/sis from another mother/father. hahaha get it??


oh gosh. Okay so be looking forward to some awesome etsy posts. and some awesome regular posts.


wooohooo.

Thursday Ramblings

Okay so I have started two different posts. Two.

A friday and a monday post. Did they get posted? nope.

Well school is still going really good. I had a great time in Communications class. We did a little debate over who we would choose to give scholarships to. These were fake scholarships and fake people of course but it was fun. :)

I do still enjoy all of my classes even though I hate math. Just in general. Hate. It.

Oh! I bought two new planners at Barns N Noble today!
                               along with three packs of Christmas cards....Curse you Barns N Noble for you amazing $2 sales!!! aren't they cute though?? And I should be all stocked up for the Christmas of 2012!

      Well yup. Josh and I are still going slow and by slow I mean a snails pace. We have been spending time together which is nice. He is still very proud of me and very supportive which is very encouraging and helpful. Let me tell you I have quite the full plate at the moment.
Work, School, Nannying, HomeWork, The Family(crap I still need to do my post on my amazing family :/ )

I am still scared though and somewhat reluctant at all that's going on with Joshua and I. I mean we aren't even classifying ourselves as being in a relationship. So I was being honest when I said we were at a snails pace. He understand I am not at a point in my life nor am I completely ready for a relationship.We are just friends. And let me tell you that is a huge relief and even more helpful than he realizes.

In all honesty I don't know that we'll be able to move past our friendship mark. He and I have both changed quite a bit, myself even more than he. I don't entirely know how I feel about that. It makes me sad and yet I know that whatever happens he and I will always have some sort of a friendship.

Let me back peddle a little bit. His brother MB and his sister in law AB split up less than a month ago. But for  most of their marriage they have had problems. I am so very thankful to report that they are back together and doing much better. MB moved in with Joshua after the split and AB is following, along with their two little adorable kids. They seem so much happier now that they are out of where they were living before. It really makes me happy and I know it also makes the little ones happy as well. They still argue but it's much less (from the little bit I've seen) and no where near what it used to be. :)

The Eric Church Concert was pretty darn awesome!!! I had a blast and I love that I got to go. I am so thankful to all of my friends(the family) that came with and helped make it an awesome time!! I can not wait for the Zac Brown Concert though! Which will be in March. So exciting!!!

Zac Brown is pretty much my favorite band...Ever...Ish... ;)

Lets see lets see...

I don't know if I mentioned it before or not but LG(little girl that I nanny) got a beta fish!! His name is Starlight. Isn't he beautiful? I love betas.

Tonight I am going to a friends house to watch a "scary movie" hopefully not too scary ;) lol

Tomorrow before work I am going to go look at some houses for rent. Two to be exact. I'm excited. Slightly nervous but very excited.

Oh a good friend of mine from high school who is in Iraq/Afghanistan is coming home in a few weeks! We're going to be having lunch. Not sure where but I'm excited. We've gotten close since he's been gone and even though I've written him several letters I am horrible at sending them. :(

A picture post will be up very soon be on the look out!