Just a quick {update}

Things are good.
I feel good.

Really though, this morning has felt... like... like I can breathe! Of course the simple fact of it being a Wednesday and not Tuesday or Thursday helps quite a bit.
I can breathe.

Read that again, just one more time; okay make it two.
The second time read those three words slowly, and as if you yourself feel like you can finally breathe once everyone in the dog-pile gets off of you and you finally have your breath after running as hard and as fast as you could for five minutes.

Do you understand now?

The feeling is so relieving, and exciting.
and terrifying. 

'What? Girl, why you sayin' it's terrifying??' (that's you asking me)
Because that means that at any moment the creeping fog will come in full force. Maybe slowly, maybe fast, maybe lightly or maybe so thick you can't see through it. That is why I try not to think about those moments where everything feels great, I can breathe and the mornings are smooth.

I have, however, been attempting to pay more attention to what I'm feeling these past few days so that I can provide a decent analysis for those of you reading. Over the past few days I've been feeling better, lighter if you will.

  (The weather is beautiful today, which also helped to keep my mood up. It's tremendously important to get out for even a few moments; especially when the sun is shining and the wind is beautiful.)

I've been taking vitamins regularly, incorporating supposed depression-fighting foods into my diet, as well as making it a point to ride my bicycle again. This morning there was even enough time to wake up to do a quick routine of morning yoga. (which I'll be doing again this evening as I've noticed my hips are getting a little tight.)

(We all know one of my strong points is confidence and over exaggerated vanity. Which is a bi-product of hiding my depression for so long...  Yet with that being said, it's important to find beauty in yourself. It's important to be silly and goofy.)

Unfortunately as hard as I try to keep some sort of routine going in my life it doesn't seem to fully stick. It's there, it's just not... exceedingly consistent. I'm currently seeing a handsome young man whom I find a little bit of comfort in his routine; it's actually a huge help for me. It's comforting and relaxing to know that I can rely on the knowledge of when I will hear from him. Yes it sounds silly, but it's true. I'm making a large conscious effort to build and maintain a set-ish schedule and routine. Apparently routines are a big help in our battle.
Thus far I know that keeping 2-3calenders is a big help for me staying on track. In each of them (well I try to keep them all synced) my attempts are to have most of my day scheduled, of course with room for movement.
For example I have:

• Morning yoga
• Shower
• Wake-up/Start getting LittleMiss ready
• Leave
• Study Time
• Class.....

and so forth... Keep in mind each day is different, this is a simple rubric I attempt to keep.

This all leads to....

Rule Four:
Establish some sort of a routine for yourself. Read my above routine again if that gives you so help. Keep it simple and short to start with. Maybe wake up every morning at a set time, follow it with morning reading/yoga/coffee/tea/walk what have you. Maybe take lunch at a within a set time frame everyday (such as between 1130 and 130, giving you wiggle room should something come up to hinder your leaving time). Maybe, just maybe your routine needs to be reading or journaling for thirty minutes everyday. 
Don't worry if at first it doesn't stick. This is all trial and error, do not, do not  stress about setting up and find your routine. Starting small is always easiest, always best. By starting small we are able to find what really works for us, what truly fits the best. 

;

Rambling/Head Spinning

Today is obviously May 17. Which means I have just under 3months.
Just.
Under.
Three Months.

THREE.

I just feel like sitting and staring at a piece of blank wall. At the same time I want to clean and organize the nursery or the kitchen or make some paper or go for a walk or crawl into a ball under the crib and just stay there to hide for a little while.

Abrocombie & Fitch

For some odd reason the poor CEO of A&F is catching a lot of heat for something he said. It may be because he only wants people with 'wash board abs', the cool skinny kids, and skinny beautiful people wearing his clothes. But come on didn't we all already know this? It was an unspoken fact!! I think what made this even worse is that, well two things actually:
1: It actually came out of the CEO's mouth
2: He looks like this...

Picture Post

Here are a few fun pictures! Definitely still not in the best over all mood but these are some pretty fun pictures that I think you will enjoy.

Trail, Oregon

I made it. I am here. I landed at 1040local time, 1240 Arkansas time.

The flights were relatively nice, but with my lack of sleep from the night before I was pretty miserable.

I've gotten better at breaking the ice with my family which is fantastic. And although the feeling is relatively the same there is a certain air that is missing.

There are, if I have counted correctly, five dogs. I'm not sure how my grandpa sleeps through their barking but he does a fantastic job. As my aunt said, 'they do not need an alarm system'. I will say I think they are all very cute, especially when not barking.

I have yet to see grandpa. But I know I will soon. My sister is flying in at midnight, she and her fiancé will be staying at one of the local hotels. I'm excited to meet him.

I'm takin tons of pictures of the house before too much more is changed. I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to be back, before the end of the year, but that's still a few months away.

Oh let's see...
I stayed the night in the downstairs bedroom(pretty much a very nice basement). It was freezing cold! But I woke up relatively warm, sleeping under several blankets and once my body heat stayed with me. Not entirely sure what woke me up; I slept throughout the entire time my eyes closed til this morning. Hasn't happened in a while.

I'm happy to report my allergies are gone.

That's about all the updating I have for the moment but more will come. Alon with pictures plenty of pictures.

Pardon my Emotions

I'm sure you greatly noticed how pathetic my last post was; but hey it happens.

As one of my best friends would say: I used my girl card.

(I'm still not entirely sure what that means..)

Anyways, as I'm sure you guess, I had to give my puppy doggy up. It is a hard but true fact. With my schedule being what it is, its not fair to her. She needs to be able to be a puppy dog and run and play and get all the love she can. So I gave her to a good friend of mine from high school. He has a ton of acres she can run and have fun on!
(I'll be honest, I did cry...a little...more than a little..)

Oh that "date" I was pretty excited about, pretty sure I was [in a sense] stood up. Yeah I give up on this guy. :/ I actually give up on all guys at this moment. My life will consist of focusing on school and work. And probably decorating my apartment.

(personal photo)

It's much more fun when they don't match.

The weight-loss challenge has been really fun. It's interesting to see how everyone is doing this and taking it so seriously. I'm proud of my co-workers, it's good to see that they do care about their health, and that we can work as a team. It's almost boosted morale, or maybe that's just spring... ;)

My sleeping pill helped a lot. I only woke up once, but was a little groggy this morning. Again though I have forgotten to take it. That will be happening soon. I'm hoping I can get on a sleep schedule, it would be a huge help. 

(I'm also going to invest in a LOT of lavender items! Shhh, don't tell ;]  )

Dolls,

I'm going to take my sleeping aid, and try to get some sleep. There's some chopping and snack packing I've got to do in the morning!!

Sweet Dreams!!

My Girl..

The hardest thing for me to do is let go of you..
But I know that you need more than I can give you right now.
You'll always be my baby and I will always love you.

(Evil) Wednesday Short Story

• I haven't been able to stop crying for the past two hours. (great way to start off a post right??)
• I wish there were time machines.
• I don't want to be a big girl, hence the time machine comment.
• I hate feeling vulnerable. 
• I hate stress. 
• I hate a lot of things tonight. 
• I can not wait for the divorce to be final. And to have as much of Josh out of my life as possible. 
• My day was a great mix between awesome and beyond shitty. 
• I can't sleep anymore. 
• I have barely packed and am going to do what I usually do. Through everything together. 

To be honest the one thing I hate the most is that I have been crying for two hours, and even though I have some of the best friends out there, I don't have someone to call and just let my walls down with. Some one to call and beg to come hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Someone to tell me that yes, I am a bit to hasty and jump to fast, but that's one of my great qualities and that I'm a fighter. Everything will be okay. 

I think that's the most my walls have ever really gone down on here. Or really anywhere. 

Moving. (Again)

I know in a few previous post from the past I talked about how this was going to be the last move and it would not be happening again; at least until my lease was up.

Well that bit me in the ass.

Two main reasons I moved to this apartment:
1.  Joshua and I were trying and things were going really good. He lives close. (That should be pretty damn self explanatory.

2. It sooo close to work. Literally the longest it's taken me to get to work is...8minutes??



I have a three bedroom two bathroom apartment. I've had four potential room mates bail out on me. Two of them had reasons I completely understand(so if he and she read this, then yes, I completely understand. love ya'll :]  ). The other two, yea I have no idea. I'm working on having someone take over my lease. They pretty much have until...well Tuesday to give me a final answer. Two people came to look at it, I just received  a text from a woman who will talk to her husband. So I'll let her know she has until Tuesday to give me a final answer.

I am very ready to get out of this apartment. It is way to much room for just Duchess and I. Not to mention I really can't handle being this close to Joshua. Like I said, I may have left, and I know that I hurt him. But I guess it's all catching up to me know. How he just dropped this all on me really got me.

So I will be moving over by the airport. I'm actually really excited. It's an amazing complex that is really community oriented. They've been around a little longer than this one, so they're a little more established. I'm sure the complex I'm moving from will be growing to doing more. Who knows. In all honesty, I am a single girl who lives by her self; it's really not that safe for me to be here alone. I'm much better off at the other complex.

I took a sleeping pill so I may be finished with this pretty quickly. I've, yet again, been having trouble sleeping these past few nights. It's really the weekends that get to me. I'm not really sure why, but all through the week I'll be fine and then bam. Saturday and Sunday are just not that great of days for me. It's a bit perplexing.

I still having my amazing Family support group, my Biological family support group and my work support group. I'm loved.  I just have to remember it.

One day this week I'll be taking my rings to a jewelry place to see how much I can get for them, and it should be a pretty good help. Even if it's not tons, anything will help while I'm trying to move. I'm also going to take the serving set that we used at the wedding. Who knows there may be a little silver in it. ;)


Work is still going great. I'm really blessed.
I hope everyone has a GREAT sunday!! I'll be doing a MUCH happier post... the NEXT post!! hahah

Work Out: An Addiction

I went to the gym today. In fact I just got home from it. :)

Anyone who works out or cares about their health can pretty well agree with me on this one: working out can be an addiction.

I just love that I can breath deeper and knowing that I am taking care of my body makes me proud. Honestly when you take care of your body you just feel better. You're happier. After all I am a bit of a health nut, I think that what you put in your body you get out. Feed it healthly foods and you'll feel better, you'll have a sunnier disposition. :)

Anyways I have an addiction to working out, especially cardio. I love running and biking. One day I plan on running in a marathon. The only bad thing about working out is my metabolism shoots through the roof. I am not lying when I tell you I eat almost everything in sight. I ate an entire plan(9in. round) of angel hair pasta, salad, and two pieces of toast. And was still hungry... That was about two days ago.

Oh and I am finally brave enough to post weight loss pictures. Nervous, but hey my new moto is go big or go home.

This is the work out outfit I left in, I thougt it was pretty cute.

This is a bracelet I bought and love, I bought it to support jobs in America. :)

Please excuse the messy-ness. This is a picture of my arm, well it's supposed to be the focal point. I have big arms and am going to be working on toning them down, or keeping the size but definitely strengthening them.

Here is my side picture, I am sucking in. But I am wanting to tone up. My goal is not a six pack but a smootier belly.

my newest nail design.

Another side picture again, excuse the mess.

Last time I weighed myself(like last tuesday) I was 129. I'll weigh myself tomorrow and we'll use that as my starting weight.

Oh with my new go big or go home statement, I went to best buy today. I think I know what tv, phone and laptop I want. The phone won't be 3D, which I could care less about, but it is htc and it's awesome. Now I just have to debate whether or not I'm going to cancel my tmobile contract and switch to at&t. But now that I'm thinking about it, I may wait a few months, when one company buys out another like verizon and altel for example the bigger company swallows the other.

What else happened today..

I had breakfast with BFTAG and his family. Love them. Went to Ashley Furniture's grand opening, had fun and food. Went to best buy like I mentioned. Worked out like I mentioned and yeah that is about it. But the best news is that I have been in a great mood all day!

Have a great night!!
(By the way be expecting more blog posts as I have much to write about!)

Crabby Crabby

I was so very crabby today. I woke up in a pretty good mood, late but still in a good mood and still managed to make it to work a few minutes early. I had a really good time at our little meeting before work and learned about the Tempur-pedic beds, something I needed. But I don't know, my mood went progressively down hill throughout the day. Don't get me wrong, I still really love my job and my co-workers we always have a good time.
At my lunch break, which was at 525pm :/ (again, don't get me wrong, I don't mind taking a late lunch, I'm used to it, I have just been crabby today.) my really good friend MT brought me a Pumpkin Something from Kennedy Coffee. I love that place and he definitely helped my mood improve! I also had a good time with a few of my guest.
I am pretty sure I know why I am crabby. December is the month of my ex-husbands birthday, also the month he proposed and the date is getting closer and closer. It's kinda like D-day. Sadly I have a feeling my mood will become progressively worse or just stay crabby until about the first of the new year. Which I am very excited about. I have a lot of good things planned for the new year. I plan on doing as I've stated before, starting over and going with all the new new new. :)
Oh yeah back to the crabby-ness. Um, I met a lawyer the other night, who if memory serves correctly, may be able to help me with my divorce and get it taken care of in a very timely manner. In which case I will gladly pay quite a bit more than doing it online. BUT, like I said this is my ex's birthday month, so I am going to be nice and not serve him the divorce papers, this month. This is very stressful.

I am over at mah BFTAGs house. They always spoil me here. I plan on spoiling them back as soon as I possibly can. The idea is to make cookies this Wednesday with his mom and sister in law. Should be tons of fun. I haven't baked in a while and I really do miss it. BFTAG and I have gotten kind of distant but we're working on that. It's just like any friendship though, there will always be ups and downs. And that's why we're best friends! I'm sitting in the living room at the moment in love with the glow of the Christmas Tree. It's very beautiful. I'm planning on buying my own for my room, I'm debating getting one that is a foot tall or five feet all. In which case it will be about four inches shorter that me.

And how cute would that be??

Or I can get the foot tall one and it be about four feet shorter that me :) with cute little tiny christmas ornaments :)

Thursday or Friday I am going to MT's house to help him with decorating his Christmas Tree, very exciting!! Then Friday night, I believe RGH and I will be going to another Christmas Party, and I have an Ugly sweater party coming up!! excitning!