Attachment issues

Yes, I know all parents and children go through the attachment stage where the babies just do not want to be left alone and are constantly with/on the parents, but suddenly it's become an even amount between Little Miss and I. 

She has her days where she doesn't want me to put her down or be out of her sight, and I have my nights where when she's gone I can't sleep. Oh okay, I'll be honest I do not sleep well when LittleMiss is not at home. I know that no matter what when she is with my parents she is overall safe, it doesn't change the fact that she is not in the next room or  laying in bed with me. 

It's even gotten to were my coworkers see me ask, 'You look tired. Did your parents have LittleMiss last night?" Like this morning I had a very very tasty Soy Honey Latte, usually I drink excessively large amounts of green tea which works perfectly. But to day I needed to spice it up a bit. 

Yes I can admit that I am a very over-protective mommy. It comes naturally ;)

Unfortunately it is one of those things that parents must gradually become accustomed to {the children being away thing}. Especially we single working moms.  It's only a little more rough on me since I have begun working two jobs. The feeling of there never being enough time in the day is even more heightened. 

 {I have no idea whats going on with my lip. Some weird shadow. Vanity I know.}

There really is never enough time with this beautiful LittleMonster. 

This evening there was a bit of a miss communication with my second job and I went in for about half an hour. I came home to this:

 

She had dozed off after devouring her dinner, and was in such a deep slumber when I walked in Binson and I were able to have a ten minute conversation using our regular voices. That pretty much never happens; When the LittleMonster is sleeping things must be mostly quiet, for the most part anyways. 

My days are long, my nights are short. My arms more often than not craving to hold my daughter. Even though I feel like we are losing the bond we had, I hope that when she is older, she will understand why I am gone so much. This little one, the love of my life. 

Where oh where has the time gone??

Two months 10days (about four hours and 13minutes) ago is when I was blessed with a personal living talking breathing heater.

(I call her my heater, because she keeps me warm, and right now is burning me up. But she is cool, so I'm not worried.)

Right now she is snuggled in the crook of my left arm as we lay on the couch. The tv is on, her swing is rocking back in fourth in loneliness because I stole the baby and forgot to turn it off. In an attempt of revenge its makes it clicking noise annoying my right ear(the ear that is closest). My cellphone is on the counter in the kitchen charging. There are probably a few text messages and missed phone calls, but I'm soaking up my cuddle time.

I am working at a restaurant now, as well as looking forward to the start of being a baker for a local coffee shop. It surprises me how easily I fell back into being a waitress, but it surprises me even more that of the mothers that I work with, I seem to be the only one who is overly excited about going home to my baby at the end of my shift. (God knows, I probably am wrong, but I've noticed I'm the only one who vocalizes the excitement.)

I brag on my LittleMiss. The tables I wait on even get to hear about her. How her giggles light up my day, how she can change my mood for the better without trying, her first word was 'hi', she's working on 'ello', she's started making the 'mmm' sound which excites me because it's so close to 'mommy', how I can tell when she wakes up in a good mood or when I know she doesn't feel well. Or how I know she's sleepy because her little eyebrows get red, or how much I love her sleepy baby eyes when she gets sleepy. And that she gave her Kunkle (also her godfather) the bird for the first time and thought it was hysterical (thank goodness he caught a photo!!).

My first week of work was so very stressful! Every day, every shift I had LittleMiss had a different sitter. Tuesday, SOA night, Kunkle walked into my apartment after picking LittleMiss up for me and saw me crying on the couch. I was beyond stressed, I was missing LittleMiss, I was tired/exhausted, and I was angry after locking my keys in my car.

Thank God my car insurance covers locking my keys in my car. Thank God for blessing me with an amazing church. Kunkle reassured me that LittleMiss knew who I was, she may not register the emotion of love, but she knew me even when she was with her sitters. He also informed me that she is probably more loved than some children who have both parents and huge families. Everyone who has watched her loves her, and me. She is cared for, she is adored and she is loved.

And that helped more than words can express.

I envy stay at home moms. I would love to be one, but that is not in my cards at the moment. So instead I am busting my a** to provide for my daughter. If it came down to it I would sell all of MY possessions (MINE, not hers. Except for those four duplicate cloth diapers she has. Those don't count. Or those disposable Honest diapers that are too small now.)
Anyways, it won't always be like this. I know that, my future is bright because I believe in Jesus. I will embrace my trials as the book of James suggests. I know more will come.

So single mommies, remember always that your little one(s) are beyond worth the tears and struggles you will face. Every morning I wake up, blessed to have another day with LittleMiss.

Birthday {Cheese}Cake

((This is a post I forgot to push publish on...oopsies))

Grammy

I've noticed that before the baby actually arrives grandparents like to claim what they will be called. Especially the grandmas, has anyone else noticed this? It may just be a southern thing. Who knows.

Well my Grammy has begun to spoil SweetPea like crazy! Which until SweetPea can really open presents and show excitement about presents, it's almost like Christmas for me!! She almost had me in tears the other day because of a gift she sent. And we all know that it's not hard to get me in tears!

Momma's Birthday

Yesterday was a good time. I am so glad that several people came out to support her birthday! On the other hand I am very disappointed with some of her 'close/best/dear' friends who flaked out.

If you don't plan on ACTUALLY showing up somewhere don't say you WILL be there, then come up with a random out of the blue excuse to not show up. At least say you will try, then if you really can't make it you call, don't make the birthday girl call you.

Just your friendly trip to the Hospital

I thought about writing about this earlier. But stress and superstition held me back. Ready set here we go...

This is going to be a little bit long...

Since Saturday morning I have barely felt SweetPea move. She has moved just a little, slapping my bladder once in a while, but nothing like pre-Saturday.

One Phone Call is All it Every Takes

Pretty much all of you know that I am originally from California. Most of my family is there. Actually almost all of my family is there.

And I miss them terribly.

Whenever I go back some how or other I meet a ton of relatives I never knew existed. Or when dad calls, he informs me of a new family members.

Anyways, I miss California. The debate to move back has began again. Yes the cost of living is higher, but so is the pay so that it's (relatively) affordable. I have learned pretty well how to budget, I know I have tons of family that can offer fantastic advice. Best places to live, work, school, etc.  There are some great schools out there.

But before I start applying for schools, or looking for housing and jobs. I have two different things to find out:

1. Will I be able to move the baby out of state?
2.Will my college credits transfer?

Not to mention:

What do I take with me?
What do I sell to have money for said move?
Should I attempt to obtain a job here that will transfer me?

Quite a few questions to answer.

((I'm going to go ahead and warn you that this will be a bit of a ramble post...))

There are several DIY things I can do to sell so that I can make extra money for myself, my baby and the move.

Wow guys, I think this is going to happen. Actually happen. More than likely though, I'll move after the baby is born. The move will be so much easier and less stressful then. Don't get me wrong it WILL be stressful, just less so.

Okay then, the planning starts now; I've got a few months to get it all together.

Wish me luck!

One Down, Three to Go

Yesterday I asked someone a pretty big question. They gave me the answer I was hoping for!!

I was so happy when she said yes!!!!
Not many people in the South have God Parents, mostly because most of them aren't Catholic. Now I'm not Catholic, but I am (part) Episcopalian. Which is what most of my dad's side of the family is. So of course I agree with having God Parents!! If something happens to me I already know that my parents won't be able to take care of Sweetpea as much as they would like. The task now falls that I find one more God Mother, and two God fathers. This is not anywhere as easy as I would like it to be, I've got a few contestants that I'm thinking about, I just wish they were as easy of a choice as Miss OKC was. No offense to any one else that I choose of course, but she has been one of my best friends for a long time. I know she will love my child like her own, and provide the very best she can for the little Sweetpea.


Those are also the qualities I have to make sure the other God Parents would be able to do, willing to do.

If any of you out there chose God Parents for your little ones, I would love to hear your stories!!

Rainy Evening

This is probably going to be one of those really long posts that attempt(or may even be) just a bunch of ramblings from the heart that I won't care if I edit or not(except the misspelled words..hate those..).

It's been a while since I've let my fingers do the typing and my heart the writing. For those of you who know me or have caught on, I love rainy days. They bring out my creative side, my in-tune side. Rainy days are fantastic for cuddling, turning off the tv, a few logs in the fire place, maybe a warm cup of hot coco, and that person that you are thinking of right now; the one you want to cuddle and not let go. Isn't it funny that while I described the scene it was you who put it all together and chose the person you would like to have your arms wrapped around?

Sadly, I have no one to wrap my arms around. Peacock and I have decided to take a break. I have a lot of stress with work, school, family in poor health while he also has his own stresses right now. I don't know if we will get back together, but I can't make myself stop hoping. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the truth. I miss him. Maybe it's just with-drawls, the not having a goodmorning text to wake up to, sweet dream text to fall asleep after or the random 'how has your day been' texts to get me through my day. I may not know what's going to happen or where we are going to end up but God does.

I've thought long and hard on the situation. I never wanted to hurt him, he never wanted to hurt me. Somewhere along the road we were both stung, by previous relationships as well as ours. One day we'll be able to get over it all, just like everyone else out there who has had that sting that is still sore to the touch.

I am beyond thankful for my family and my friends. I have been blessed more than I realized with them. Miss Oklamhoma and I have been talking A LOT more, something I think we both need and keeps us sane! She is living a life that I am proud of for her. One that she is happy with, very happy with. I also have MM, who is like my big brother! He and I don't talk as much as we used to but I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he will always be there for me, and vise versa. He is in a new relationship that makes him sooo happy, he smiles so much more now than when he used to. I'm also thankful for my Mom and Step-Dad, we haven't always gotten along, but we have gotten very close in the recent years. I'm thankful for all of my family on the West Coast. I never see enough of them and crave to go home to them as much as I can. No matter what my cousins are always positive, my dad always teaches me something new and so does my Aunt. I wish I could talk to my grampa more, but the time differences makes that a little hard.

He and my late grandma didn't have the worlds best relationship, but they loved each other so much. Stuck it out thick and thin. I miss her a lot also. Since she past my other grandmother and I have grown a lot closer. I refuse to miss an oppurtunity to spend time with my grandparents, talk and learn from them as much as I can. My Gammy E. lives in California with her husband(newly weds!). Talking about all of my west Coast family is making me terribly home sick.

Don't get me wrong, Arkansas has a large portion of my heart and always will. After all I learned a little(not enough) about cars, hunting and becamevery intune with my country side, but California will always have a home feeling for me. One that I will never be able to shake. Who knows, like I've mentioned a few times before, I may end up back there. Maybe the coast, maybe more inland, maybe just a vacation home. ;]

I'm getting cold...which by proxy brings my back to relationships. No matter what age you are you will one day learn that you don't need to be completed; what you need is to be complimented. That the person whom you are with should not be needed by you, they should be wanted. Especially for the girls out there. While I do believe the man is the head of the household, I believe that a woman should still be able to be independent.

I also believe that I am suddenly terribly tired. I'm sorry I didn't ramble more, I honestly meant to. But the rainy weather is draining me... ugh.

sweet dreams ya'll.

Spring In December

It is beyond beautiful outside.

And no one can believe that this weather is actually happening.

haha You won't hear me complain.

Peacock and I sat out on the patio for a little while last night until I got too cold. It was nice. We had loaded the wood up from car, I couldn't quit laughing. It was cute to see him carry it all. I started getting the sniffles and sneezes yesterday morning after getting to work. I'm not a happy camper. But Peacock did get me a yummy Peppermint Mocha from McDonalds and cuddled me while we watched New Guy. He also informed me several times that I am pretty cute when I'm sick.

Also that I can be needy and mean. But he started it... ;)

Walking Dead was (obviously) on last night. We made the trek up to my parents house and watched it with my Step-Daddy. Ugh. I am so annoyed with Andrea. I mean COME ON GIRL!!! Love makes people blind  but surely she isn't already that stupid. The Governor isn't even that cute. It was obvious he had issues before he killed the military boys(which pissed me the heck off) or showed that his daughter was a captive zombie.
When Michelone unhooked the zombie daughter I kinda buried my head in Peacocks shoulder.

After the Walking Dead we had fun laughing with my parents. :)

By the way girls, in my opinion, a man should open the door for you at the least 9 out of 10 times. I don't care how independent you are don't get mad when they do. It's a sign of respect. Always has been always will. It's something you should come to except, especially if you're in a relationship or dating. Peacock always opens the car door for me. It's cute when he forgets and tries to beat me by opening it from the inside.

Women should have a sense of independence, know that you can take care of yourself, but also know that you deserve respect, gratitude and endearment. Just like men do. Your relatives, significant other, co workers and bosses. Most of the world has forget about those things. Which is sad.


I leave you with a funny text, this is from Friday. I was getting ready to go bowling.

I don't even know where that came from.

I hope you all have a fantastic Monday!!! I'm off to get some groceries and sit in the sauna.

Firewood

I am so thankful for my grandpa. He is a bit to handle if you don't really know him or if you are a complete city slicker. ;)
I really enjoy going out there even if it is about an hour and a half drive. The view is beautiful and I always learn something new about him.

I also love to go visit him because he reminds me of the home and life that I want. I want a big family, I want a BIG house and a LOT of land. The house that I want I even wrote down most of the details. My plan right now is to manage to get a roommate for the remainder of my lease, possibly move in with my parents so I can start saving some money. I am very serious about buy a house and a lot of land. VERY. SERIOUS.

It was nice spending time with my family. We watched a few home videos from..the fifties. People I may have met once. My family may not always get along, but I am still happy I have them. 

 I want a beautiful view like these.

That is all the firewood my grampa cut for me. It just barely fit in the back of my car; Peacock is going to help me carry it up the stairs. I'm excited to use it. Right now I have a bunch of candle holders and a few candles in the fire place. I will use that set up one night also. It's so pretty. 

I hope you enjoy the video of my papa!!

ALSO! I will be doing a series of things that people can and should do when in Arkansas. 

Thanksgiving Photos!!

look at that smile!!

PaPa and Lil J!(my nephew)

add about five or six more people to the equation and you have us all!

Poor baby did not leave my side. I'm not sure WHAT the kids fed him but he was so very sick today! Poor baby! At first I was pretty frustrated, but I was more worried to be honest.

Me being tortured! Two kids were braiding my hair and the one in purple wanted me to braid her hair. Do you know how hard it is to braid someones hair while you have TWO kids braiding yours??? it ain't easy. ;)

(photo graph by lil girl in purple)

(photo graph by lil girl in purple)

my awesome work!

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I know first hand that the holidays are difficult and stressful. Family members don't always get together, food gets burned, things are spilt...so on and so on. But at the end of it, it usually ends well. We leave with memories, some bad, most good. We also get a whole new year  to be thankful for new and old things.

Peacock wasn't able to make it to my family feast, which while it sucks, I still had fun. I know his family feast wasn't the best, but I know he still had a few fun moments. Plus I know his little boy had fun.

If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen a few pictures and a few posts on lost of food!! Ugh I was sooo stuffed and so thankful for my lactaid pills. I popped around four yesterday!! and they helped!!


Well I am going to get back to working on Christmas Presents!! Sweet Dreams Y'all!!!

This past Weekend

It was so much fun!!
Saturday was a blast. I was supposed to meet my best friend Miss Oklahoma at her grandparents apartment to watch the hog game. Well I am just about to leave my apartment when I receive a text from Miss Oklahoma, she tells me that she has tickets for the hog game!! So we ACTUALLY went to the game! It was a lot of fun! It was my FIRST college football game! We went with Papa, and had a really good time(it was his first HOG game too!).

Miss.Oklahoma, Papa, Me!

Miss. Oklahoma went to get popcorn!

It's actually a rubber chicken!!

I ended up beating Miss. Oklahoma and papa back to Papa and Nana's apartment, and while waiting for them and watching an old seventies tv show with Nana, I fell asleep on the couch. It was a good... 15? minute nap!

i miss her already!!!

Then Sunday rolled around and I went to work....

i see you...

It was funny to see all the regulars come in and tell me they had thought I had quit. I think it's funny that they don't ask my coworkers if I had quit or not. It's just a simple question. 

After work I drove up to my mommys house and watched the Walking Dead with my step-daddy. It was a good episode! It made me mad(I stomped my feet on the floor) and I almost cried. I was also texting a friend of mine(PD) and Peacock(the boyfriend, it's a perfectly fitting inside joke name. :] ). It was funny because neither of them were watching it. So all they got were "WTF??" 's, and "OMG OMG OMGOSH" 's! I then preceded to spend some time with mommy after the show, she will NEVER watch the Walking Dead. 

It was a very fun night. I'm really glad that I am so close with my family. I hope you guys have a great Tuesday, DONT FORGET TO VOTE!!!

(I'm sure there is a bit of curiosity towards Peacock, and there will be a post about that soon.)

Picture Post

Here are a few fun pictures! Definitely still not in the best over all mood but these are some pretty fun pictures that I think you will enjoy.