In her hands

It's terrifying being a mommy.
I never realized how much of a control freak I could be.
I never knew I could love something or someone so much it quite literally hurts. I never knew how hard fear could grip me. Spiders, zombies, they have nothing compared to the fear of something stoping me from protecting my baby. Fear of something happening to her out of my control, where I can't be there to immediately react. Fear of something happening to me and in turn my inability to protect or watch the little life that formed inside of me grow into a beautiful adult.

As a single mommy I play all roles.
Good guy, bad guy, protector, discipline-r, I am the woman trying to be a good godly mommy/influence, the stern voice telling her not to play with the knives in the dishwasher, the provider, the gourmet chef, the wardrobe planner and washer, diaper changer, and stuffed animal kisser. 

There are never enough hours in day for what my job title entails.
There are never enough seconds during her wake up hugs or random kisses (either the ones that she allows me to give her or the ones she gives me.). The giggles always cut too short, beauty of her young innocence  going too quickly. 

I could never breathe into words what every mother feels; it's too deep, too real, too loving.

I know this seems random but this is just a part of motherhood. I can't tell if I've over posted things like this or if I haven't told you how much I love this tiny human or maybe it's just something I really needed to get off my chest. 

Motherhood, fatherhood, will be your greatest accomplishment and biggest weakness. 

Attachment issues

Yes, I know all parents and children go through the attachment stage where the babies just do not want to be left alone and are constantly with/on the parents, but suddenly it's become an even amount between Little Miss and I. 

She has her days where she doesn't want me to put her down or be out of her sight, and I have my nights where when she's gone I can't sleep. Oh okay, I'll be honest I do not sleep well when LittleMiss is not at home. I know that no matter what when she is with my parents she is overall safe, it doesn't change the fact that she is not in the next room or  laying in bed with me. 

It's even gotten to were my coworkers see me ask, 'You look tired. Did your parents have LittleMiss last night?" Like this morning I had a very very tasty Soy Honey Latte, usually I drink excessively large amounts of green tea which works perfectly. But to day I needed to spice it up a bit. 

Yes I can admit that I am a very over-protective mommy. It comes naturally ;)

Unfortunately it is one of those things that parents must gradually become accustomed to {the children being away thing}. Especially we single working moms.  It's only a little more rough on me since I have begun working two jobs. The feeling of there never being enough time in the day is even more heightened. 

 {I have no idea whats going on with my lip. Some weird shadow. Vanity I know.}

There really is never enough time with this beautiful LittleMonster. 

This evening there was a bit of a miss communication with my second job and I went in for about half an hour. I came home to this:

 

She had dozed off after devouring her dinner, and was in such a deep slumber when I walked in Binson and I were able to have a ten minute conversation using our regular voices. That pretty much never happens; When the LittleMonster is sleeping things must be mostly quiet, for the most part anyways. 

My days are long, my nights are short. My arms more often than not craving to hold my daughter. Even though I feel like we are losing the bond we had, I hope that when she is older, she will understand why I am gone so much. This little one, the love of my life. 

Chilly Driveway Night

It's almost nine o'clock at night and I am sitting in my driveway. Car headlights still on, motor off. 

I'm tired but not sleepy. 

Tears are trying to run over the edges of my eyes. 

I just got off the phone with my parents who are watching my LittleMiss; who I am not exactly pleased with at the moment. The past month and a half has been a complete whirlwind and over all deep down I'm exhausted. 

The first night at my second job went great. I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy it there! I'm excited for all the goals this job is going to help me reach. 

But it doesn't take away the fact that my parents are watching my daughter tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night and Saturday night. Let's not forget they will probably watch her Sunday night as well as Sunday morning. It doesn't take away the fact that I am having to work two jobs to take of my tiny family (while paying off a "friends" debt). 

I can promise that tonight I will not be sleeping well. I will have at least one stuffed animal sleeping with me, a toddlers sound machine going and probably still wake up around 130(her usual 'mommy I want to nurse and play time'). It's amazing how much someone so tiny can meet to you.