Long Time No Reads

I know I have started and almost finished several posts, but my phone ate them :( 

Let me start off by saying my gifted trip to the West Coast was a huge blessing as well as a lot of fun. Since I was in the midst of moving that also cut into my postings, along with the fact that my parents don't have internet. Now throw a sick baby in the mix and you've got a busy single working mom with not too much of a chance to tell you all my fun stories. 

Thankfully LittleMiss seems to be doing better, once she's 100% I'll let you in on my secrets ;)

Fantastic news though, turns out I will not be moving in with my parents and I will be able to do many more posts. :)

See I received a much needed blessing: LittleMiss and I will be on our own again for a much easier cost of living. In fact I will be able to pay off medical bills. 

Really I can't even tell you how excite I am, not to mention it WONT be an apartment. It will be a quaint little trailer house, do I care? No. I am allowed to plant plants and respectfully give it my style. Oh my excitement. There is a grill AND a smoker. Sooo excited. 

I've got a lot I've got to catch you up on: LittleMiss, moving, the West Coast, crafty projects, I even started seeing someone (breifly :[  ), hmm I think that's about it...

But I wanted to make sure you knew I did not forget about you! After all Miss OKC requested I make a post! 

Merry Christmas Eve!

What {{BIG}} thanks I have.

It's such a simple post, but I have no idea how to even start it. 

I am in an interesting season of my life; a single mom, craving to grow closer to the Trinity, moving in with my parents, supporting my best friend with her marriage and wedding plans. It's exciting. It's scary. I can not list off all the blessings God has given me it would take far too long. 

Yet today is Thanksgiving, so I would like to truly show gratitude. I really do hope that I have shown my gratitude to everyone!! I'm not going to say names or who has helped me with what, because those amazing people are not doing things for gratification. They're doing it out of the love of Christ. 

From helping by watching Hensley, to giving her clothes, meals and food, and so so much more. I truly hope that when people see me they don't see what I have done but they see what God has done for me. Because He has done so much. I would literally have nothing without him! 

So this is my thanks, to Christ, to my amazing church, to my amazing family and friends and everyone in between. Those bystanders who offer to get the door while I'm carrying LittleMiss. The folks who purchase the pastries I bake. The random stranger who returns my smiles. And the drivers who leave room for me to squeeze in. 

I'm thankful for the good, the unanswered prayers, the things taken away and the gifts given. 

Grey Skies, Cold Wind

By cold wind I mean bone biting cold. But that is Arkansas for you.

Unfortunately LittleMiss and I are in hibernation mode. Well she is. For some reason I can not sleep during the day. So instead I cuddle a beautiful sleeping babe. It's a bit bittersweet. I could really use a nap, or cleaning or packing, maybe a little bit writing.

Sometimes you {{Forget}}

Sometimes the pressures, expectations, worldly views, all of that makes us just forget.

Where we came from, where we wanted to go, who we wanted to be, what we need to be. Like my last post that I need to apologize for. It is tremendously nice of my parents to open up their home and allow my daughter and I to move back in. I am so thankful.

Yet, the type A prideful personality I have along with all of the outside views pushes me with my want to be the best. 'I should be able to fully provide for my daughter, on my own, in my own home.' 'I need a new car. New clothes. Nice things. Name brand.'

Moving...again.

Hi.
My name is Corrin and I am a single mom.
Finances are tight, the hours are long and the world is cold.

My plan was to find a rent house in the spring and move there so that LittleMiss would have a house, a real house to grow up in. And I was not going to move out of that rent house until...well I guess until I ever became married. But that is not what is going to be happening.

Instead I will be moving in with my parents. I haven't lived with them since I was 18. Every fiber of my being is screaming to not do it, but there are not really any other options. Not many people are interested in having an infant as a roommate. The logical side of me is saying this is good, on all sides. It will help my parents and myself (and daughter).

So now the plan is to not move out of their house until (you guessed it) I get married. If that should ever happen.

Here is the hard part: what do I sell? What do I keep? As you read in the above, I have lived on my own since I was 18. Which means I have a lot of stuff, I have established myself so to say. This morning I have been making a list of things to sell as well as trying to decide what to take over to my parents. Since I will be slowly moving in before my trip to California and then completing the process on my return.

Since I am not home all that much I'm hoping and praying that my Mom and I won't fight/bicker very much. Hey this is just one more excuse to be at the gym!! And take LittleMiss to the park. :)

Prayers greatly appreciated!

It's ten o'clock, where is your child?

Mine?

Oh this beautiful bundle is asleep in my arms as we sit in a local brewery. Quite a tasty brewery and the environment is very much that if a brewery.

It's concrete floors, stills in the back, small bar top with only a few picnic tables offering extra seats. But what will surprise you is the very high tech pinball machine they have. 

Yes, I did say that my three month old daughter is currently lounging in my lap. I am tired. But I don't yet want to leave. No one is really paying me any attention, so that's not it. No interesting conversations are being had, after all I am writin this. So what could be making me want to stay?

Simple. 

LittleMiss is sleeping soundly in my arms. And I love it. 

3months(and three days)

My oh my Little One how you have grown.

Your personality shines brighter every day, as do your eyes. That mess of hair on your head still has a mind of its own. But I love every crazy minute of it.

When once you would not take a pacifier, now you do, as well as your thumb.

Before the camera was something that never caught your attention, now you will pose-smile or cry to make mommy stop taking pictures.
Your 'oooos' and 'aaahhhs' are being more distinct, we even have a few conversations.
Lately, my Little One, you have to be holding on to my thumb or one of my fingers before you will succumb to sleep. I love it.
It has been decided that you initiate all new baby sitters with blow-outs. It's your way of hazing.

Beards.
If a man is holding you and he has little or no facial hair you are very confused. 

Pride and prejudice is your favorite movie. When the ballroom dancing scene is on you dance away. 

Music. You LOVE music. Oldies, a bit of the new, gangster rap(mommy prefers when you listen to Christian gangster rap, but you don't care), and acustic. Several of our dead friends will pick up a guitar and sing to you. The fascination that shows in your eyes is magical. 

It's heaven and hell when you cry. It's beautiful and heart breaking. 

And oh how I love your cuddles. You nestle into me with your head rest on my heart, your squeaks and cries and grabbing on to me. 

{It's a hold me kind of day}

Says little miss with her cries, and whimpers and pouting bottom lips. 

And I feel guilty. There are scones to be made, hours that need worked so bills can be paid. But I feel guilty. 

You're sad eyes calling for mommy to hold you are met with poor excuses of attempts to sooth you to sleep. 

Your sparkling eyes light up when you're spoken to or smiled at or sang too, those illuminate my life. But have been few and far between today. 

I want to sit and cry, if only for just a few minutes. Perhaps tonight while you are with MissBC I have the opportunity. But truly I do not have the luxury of crying. 

I need to stay strong, for you my Little Miss. A strong sturdy role model. What good would my tears do anyhow? What would I be crying for anyways? 

It's been a "hold me mommy, tell me you love me" kind of day. But in my selfishness I have turned a blind eye to what you truly wanted. Please forgive me. 

Right now you seem contently asleep in my arms. One palm resting on your face the other as wrapped around me as your tiny arm can be. I finally realized what your wee demands were and gave in. Those hours that need worked will happen after a bit of cuddling and a few I love you's are spoken. 

It interesting how many things I must relearn or remind myself that now I am a mommy. Be it stress or old habits returning against my will I have not ate like a nursing mother should. I have forgotten to keep up with my vitamins and allowed my home to turn into a huge mess. 

Little Miss has been acting as though her tummy hurts and I have noticed a huge drop in my milk production. Stress, lack of proper nutrition and sleep I am sure are all playing huge factors into that. In attempts to sooth her discomfort I'll be doing another elimination diet, the culprit I am sure is gluten. Again. 

I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am annoyed. I am hungry without the want to eat. I am thirsty with out the ability to drink. I have a million things running through my mind, and what feels like no one to talk to them about. 

(Photo from earlier today)

My Self Image Battle

I realized, a shirt time back that my mom has issues with anorexia. She barely eats.  She had professed this to me one day after I professed to her that I was battling anorexia and wanted it to end. 

That was just over a year ago. I had since then forgot her actually professing it until recently. 

For several years I have had eating disorders. At one time I tried the up-chuck method. It did not work. At all. Unless I am already very very nauseaus I can not make myself sick. 

During pregnancy it didn't hit me as hard, but now I am two months postpartum. And I'm still about two or three inches too big for my pre-Preggy jeans. A small side of me is thinking my hips are just wider after giving birth. 

But my tummy is not toned as it was, nor my legs or arms. 

I have barely ate in the past two or three weeks, partially because I am very busy lately. 

But I have noticed a huge decline in my energy. I'm finally noticing the meals I'm not eating and the water I'm not drinking. It's not too good. 

Mostly because I am breastfeeding my little one. I NEED that hydration and those nutrients. 

Social media pressures suggest I should be thin with curves. It's not easy when you're working almost 40hrs split shifts at one job, and have a two month old. This is not a post for pitty or free meals. This is a public post so that I can hold myself accountable along with the few of you who read this. 

That's all I have to write at the moment, I have a date tonight(more on that later) and I need to clean, grab a few outfits and head to my fantastic sitters house so that they can help me get ready. 

First date in a year, at a little loss for wardrobe choices. 

Where oh where has the time gone??

Two months 10days (about four hours and 13minutes) ago is when I was blessed with a personal living talking breathing heater.

(I call her my heater, because she keeps me warm, and right now is burning me up. But she is cool, so I'm not worried.)

Right now she is snuggled in the crook of my left arm as we lay on the couch. The tv is on, her swing is rocking back in fourth in loneliness because I stole the baby and forgot to turn it off. In an attempt of revenge its makes it clicking noise annoying my right ear(the ear that is closest). My cellphone is on the counter in the kitchen charging. There are probably a few text messages and missed phone calls, but I'm soaking up my cuddle time.

I am working at a restaurant now, as well as looking forward to the start of being a baker for a local coffee shop. It surprises me how easily I fell back into being a waitress, but it surprises me even more that of the mothers that I work with, I seem to be the only one who is overly excited about going home to my baby at the end of my shift. (God knows, I probably am wrong, but I've noticed I'm the only one who vocalizes the excitement.)

I brag on my LittleMiss. The tables I wait on even get to hear about her. How her giggles light up my day, how she can change my mood for the better without trying, her first word was 'hi', she's working on 'ello', she's started making the 'mmm' sound which excites me because it's so close to 'mommy', how I can tell when she wakes up in a good mood or when I know she doesn't feel well. Or how I know she's sleepy because her little eyebrows get red, or how much I love her sleepy baby eyes when she gets sleepy. And that she gave her Kunkle (also her godfather) the bird for the first time and thought it was hysterical (thank goodness he caught a photo!!).

My first week of work was so very stressful! Every day, every shift I had LittleMiss had a different sitter. Tuesday, SOA night, Kunkle walked into my apartment after picking LittleMiss up for me and saw me crying on the couch. I was beyond stressed, I was missing LittleMiss, I was tired/exhausted, and I was angry after locking my keys in my car.

Thank God my car insurance covers locking my keys in my car. Thank God for blessing me with an amazing church. Kunkle reassured me that LittleMiss knew who I was, she may not register the emotion of love, but she knew me even when she was with her sitters. He also informed me that she is probably more loved than some children who have both parents and huge families. Everyone who has watched her loves her, and me. She is cared for, she is adored and she is loved.

And that helped more than words can express.

I envy stay at home moms. I would love to be one, but that is not in my cards at the moment. So instead I am busting my a** to provide for my daughter. If it came down to it I would sell all of MY possessions (MINE, not hers. Except for those four duplicate cloth diapers she has. Those don't count. Or those disposable Honest diapers that are too small now.)
Anyways, it won't always be like this. I know that, my future is bright because I believe in Jesus. I will embrace my trials as the book of James suggests. I know more will come.

So single mommies, remember always that your little one(s) are beyond worth the tears and struggles you will face. Every morning I wake up, blessed to have another day with LittleMiss.