In her hands

It's terrifying being a mommy.
I never realized how much of a control freak I could be.
I never knew I could love something or someone so much it quite literally hurts. I never knew how hard fear could grip me. Spiders, zombies, they have nothing compared to the fear of something stoping me from protecting my baby. Fear of something happening to her out of my control, where I can't be there to immediately react. Fear of something happening to me and in turn my inability to protect or watch the little life that formed inside of me grow into a beautiful adult.

As a single mommy I play all roles.
Good guy, bad guy, protector, discipline-r, I am the woman trying to be a good godly mommy/influence, the stern voice telling her not to play with the knives in the dishwasher, the provider, the gourmet chef, the wardrobe planner and washer, diaper changer, and stuffed animal kisser. 

There are never enough hours in day for what my job title entails.
There are never enough seconds during her wake up hugs or random kisses (either the ones that she allows me to give her or the ones she gives me.). The giggles always cut too short, beauty of her young innocence  going too quickly. 

I could never breathe into words what every mother feels; it's too deep, too real, too loving.

I know this seems random but this is just a part of motherhood. I can't tell if I've over posted things like this or if I haven't told you how much I love this tiny human or maybe it's just something I really needed to get off my chest. 

Motherhood, fatherhood, will be your greatest accomplishment and biggest weakness. 

{blank}

I want to write one of those tear jerking posts, not so that you'll pity me, but so that other girls can read it to see just what I am feeling. Unfortunately too many other things are going on in my life at the moment and it would be incredibly unwise to do so.

Instead I'll tell you that I am excited to be serious again about pursuing, strengthening, and growing a relationship with the Trinity {Father, Son, Holy Ghost}. Allowing outside voices and pressures to come between what I had already built was, of course, excruciatingly obviously the most idiotic thing I could do.

Instead I will hint at a few passions that have been reignited in me. That I missed being nice-r, and helping more people.

Instead I will tell you that even though, yes I would be very happy to have a man in my life, good strong stand up christian man to be a father for LittleMiss, it is {apparently not in the cards at the moment} unneeded. One day I'm sure, pursuing it isn't on the top of my list.

I will also tell you that I am okay with not making it to the gym in just over a month. I'm okay with being the stern yet oddly flexible parent. My little one needed a nap, zumba can wait until the next class. Lunges can happen in my house, squats against my wall. There is always that short time of freedom I have in the afternoon to start hitting the weights again.

I might throw in that I will be up late tonight working on homemade flash cards for my daughter. So that play time will also include fun learning time. She is a brilliant and stubborn young girl, I am blessed to have my hands so full.  Even when she is a tyrant she is a blessing.

I am blessed to be a single mommy.

If you don't understand the above sentence and would like to discuss or argue about it by all means: come at me bro.

Did I mention my home is a mess? That I am generally exhausted from working to jobs? But that when that beautiful little girl whats to 'tickle' my belly button, be chased, thrown in the air, feed me a spoonful of air and imagination, or throw corks in a basket I find that I have all the energy in the world?

My life isn't easy. More than one time I week I have disdain for the boy {doesn't quite deserve to be called a man, at least in my opinion.} who helped to create her, yet I am thankful I have her to hold at night. To hug in the morning. To run up to me when I pick her up at her nanny's.

I'm sure we will talk more and I'm sure it will be soon. I have all too many photos to post and recipes to recap for you.

All Hallows Eve

'Twas a cool night as the pumpkin was placed on the dining table, warm conversation going on all around it, everyone sounded happy. The home was warm and cozy. 

When all of a sudden the pumpkin felt a sharp searing pain, hearing the pumpkin next to it let out a silent shriek of terror. 

But seriously, I had a lot of fun carving pumpkins. Unfortunately LittleMiss was too tuckered out to join in. 

Speaking of LittleMiss, the above is her as a pre-halloween Chocolate Monster. Truly it was scary.

My LittleMonster was a great helper when we ran errands on Halloween Day. She even loved her little ladybug baby doll from her GGE. Whenever her little horns fell off she was very sure to let me know so that they could be put back on right away. We were even able to get a few pieces of candy when did a quick trip to the Samaritan House Thrift shop. Even as a little monster this girl is able to steal the attention of anyone walking by. 

LittleMiss had so much fun trying to keep up with her BigBrother while trick-r-treating. The best part was honestly, whenever the houses would open their doors the tiny Monster thought she could just go right on in. 

But because Halloween was far too cold for such a tiny Monster to be out for long we came back to Grammy's and tried a few pieces of candy.

The next morning, all cleaned up and happy to still be with Mommy, MK, Grammy and BigBrother, she was even happier to have pancakes stuffed with yummy apples. 

LittleMonsters have big appetites.

Once we got home from such a busy morning, I decided not to let the fun end there: LittleMiss had more costumes to try. 

And of course a 'parents Halloween' was planned as well. I even managed to run into a really good friend of mine while out and about. 

I'm not going to lie, for doing my make up myself, and having about an hour to do so I feel like it turned out pretty well. 

I honestly can't wait until next year so that LittleMiss can have some more say so on her Halloween outfits. 

Attachment issues

Yes, I know all parents and children go through the attachment stage where the babies just do not want to be left alone and are constantly with/on the parents, but suddenly it's become an even amount between Little Miss and I. 

She has her days where she doesn't want me to put her down or be out of her sight, and I have my nights where when she's gone I can't sleep. Oh okay, I'll be honest I do not sleep well when LittleMiss is not at home. I know that no matter what when she is with my parents she is overall safe, it doesn't change the fact that she is not in the next room or  laying in bed with me. 

It's even gotten to were my coworkers see me ask, 'You look tired. Did your parents have LittleMiss last night?" Like this morning I had a very very tasty Soy Honey Latte, usually I drink excessively large amounts of green tea which works perfectly. But to day I needed to spice it up a bit. 

Yes I can admit that I am a very over-protective mommy. It comes naturally ;)

Unfortunately it is one of those things that parents must gradually become accustomed to {the children being away thing}. Especially we single working moms.  It's only a little more rough on me since I have begun working two jobs. The feeling of there never being enough time in the day is even more heightened. 

 {I have no idea whats going on with my lip. Some weird shadow. Vanity I know.}

There really is never enough time with this beautiful LittleMonster. 

This evening there was a bit of a miss communication with my second job and I went in for about half an hour. I came home to this:

 

She had dozed off after devouring her dinner, and was in such a deep slumber when I walked in Binson and I were able to have a ten minute conversation using our regular voices. That pretty much never happens; When the LittleMonster is sleeping things must be mostly quiet, for the most part anyways. 

My days are long, my nights are short. My arms more often than not craving to hold my daughter. Even though I feel like we are losing the bond we had, I hope that when she is older, she will understand why I am gone so much. This little one, the love of my life. 

Chilly Driveway Night

It's almost nine o'clock at night and I am sitting in my driveway. Car headlights still on, motor off. 

I'm tired but not sleepy. 

Tears are trying to run over the edges of my eyes. 

I just got off the phone with my parents who are watching my LittleMiss; who I am not exactly pleased with at the moment. The past month and a half has been a complete whirlwind and over all deep down I'm exhausted. 

The first night at my second job went great. I have a feeling I'm going to really enjoy it there! I'm excited for all the goals this job is going to help me reach. 

But it doesn't take away the fact that my parents are watching my daughter tonight, tomorrow morning, tomorrow night and Saturday night. Let's not forget they will probably watch her Sunday night as well as Sunday morning. It doesn't take away the fact that I am having to work two jobs to take of my tiny family (while paying off a "friends" debt). 

I can promise that tonight I will not be sleeping well. I will have at least one stuffed animal sleeping with me, a toddlers sound machine going and probably still wake up around 130(her usual 'mommy I want to nurse and play time'). It's amazing how much someone so tiny can meet to you. 

Ooh!! Look what I did!

I made a super easy really fun weekly wall planner. I found a good poster size frame at Goodwill for a few dollars, then sprayed it with some spray paint I had laying around. I have this thing about not just throwing away gift wrap because I'm 90%sure there will undoubtedly be an occasion to reuse it with no one the wiser.

Such a day came.

I love the silver dots, and it gave it the feel of something Kate Spade-like. 

I'm content. 

Currently I have the art piece hanging in my bedroom, I'm probably moving it to the kitchen soon. 

{14months}

Where oh where has my little babe gone?

She's grown to big for her summer-time clothes.

She understands big words and (mostly) follows direction.
Favorite Foods: Apple.
Most enjoyed past-time: Walking.

But doing baby-version of sprinting is really fun as well. Oh and one of my many proud mommy moments: LittleMiss is now giving high-fives.

She occasionally understands her colors.

And her vocabulary is growing so quickly.

It's been an interesting month, learning new forms of self-expression, meeting new family members, learning new boundaries. Lets not forget the new personality quirks.
Walking around, pretending to talk on the phone.
Sharing, or at least acting like she is going to share...then taking the food away before mommy gets a real bite...
Cleaning.

It's been so amazing watching my little doll grow into a walking-talking-thinking toddler.

And I am so full of love for her.

Do you hear that?

It's raining, and it sounds beautiful.

Well aside from the Lord of the Rings The Return of the King that is currently playing in the background.

But it is still raining and it sounds beautiful. LittleMiss is sleeping. Ludwig is curled up next to me. And I'm about to crawl into bed. This is my last day of being a lazy mom, a depressed mom, and a messy home...renter. I've been very reflective and inflective as of late. Quite a few Exciting things have taken place, a few I can't share and a few I can.

A Hurried Post

This is hurried for a few reasons, which equates to that pile of 'to-do's on my plate.

As all of you well know, I am a single mommy. I took time off of college to create a bond with my beautiful daughter.

Now it is time for me to get seriously extra serious, get back in to school and secure the best future for my wee-one that I can. Folks, family, friends, people I don't know that well personally, please pray for me.

I am going to be learning to live on a strict schedule. I will be applying for a part time job (as in a second job), keeping my current full time job, and returning to school this coming January. I will keep up my blogging ( or trying to catch up and post at least 2 or 3 times a week.

This is incredibly stressful and I have yet to finish applying for a second job and school(mostly because of the great debate of which school will I be committing to).

I have tons more to say but so much on that plate of to-do is calling my name.

325posts...well 326now

Wanna take a guess at how many of those are drafts?
37
How...exciting? Sad? Lame? Pick your adjective.

I remember the time when I was blogging 3to4 times a week. Good times. sort of.
But I am trying my hardest to get back into the groove of things. So get ready for all of my random posts from before and ever more to come.

Exciting things are happening. I have TONS of photos from events that I need to get off my phone. Not to mention so many things that I need to update you on.

:) Heres to you kid. For keeping up to my inconsistency.