My Self Image Battle

I realized, a shirt time back that my mom has issues with anorexia. She barely eats.  She had professed this to me one day after I professed to her that I was battling anorexia and wanted it to end. 

That was just over a year ago. I had since then forgot her actually professing it until recently. 

For several years I have had eating disorders. At one time I tried the up-chuck method. It did not work. At all. Unless I am already very very nauseaus I can not make myself sick. 

During pregnancy it didn't hit me as hard, but now I am two months postpartum. And I'm still about two or three inches too big for my pre-Preggy jeans. A small side of me is thinking my hips are just wider after giving birth. 

But my tummy is not toned as it was, nor my legs or arms. 

I have barely ate in the past two or three weeks, partially because I am very busy lately. 

But I have noticed a huge decline in my energy. I'm finally noticing the meals I'm not eating and the water I'm not drinking. It's not too good. 

Mostly because I am breastfeeding my little one. I NEED that hydration and those nutrients. 

Social media pressures suggest I should be thin with curves. It's not easy when you're working almost 40hrs split shifts at one job, and have a two month old. This is not a post for pitty or free meals. This is a public post so that I can hold myself accountable along with the few of you who read this. 

That's all I have to write at the moment, I have a date tonight(more on that later) and I need to clean, grab a few outfits and head to my fantastic sitters house so that they can help me get ready. 

First date in a year, at a little loss for wardrobe choices. 

Where oh where has the time gone??

Two months 10days (about four hours and 13minutes) ago is when I was blessed with a personal living talking breathing heater.

(I call her my heater, because she keeps me warm, and right now is burning me up. But she is cool, so I'm not worried.)

Right now she is snuggled in the crook of my left arm as we lay on the couch. The tv is on, her swing is rocking back in fourth in loneliness because I stole the baby and forgot to turn it off. In an attempt of revenge its makes it clicking noise annoying my right ear(the ear that is closest). My cellphone is on the counter in the kitchen charging. There are probably a few text messages and missed phone calls, but I'm soaking up my cuddle time.

I am working at a restaurant now, as well as looking forward to the start of being a baker for a local coffee shop. It surprises me how easily I fell back into being a waitress, but it surprises me even more that of the mothers that I work with, I seem to be the only one who is overly excited about going home to my baby at the end of my shift. (God knows, I probably am wrong, but I've noticed I'm the only one who vocalizes the excitement.)

I brag on my LittleMiss. The tables I wait on even get to hear about her. How her giggles light up my day, how she can change my mood for the better without trying, her first word was 'hi', she's working on 'ello', she's started making the 'mmm' sound which excites me because it's so close to 'mommy', how I can tell when she wakes up in a good mood or when I know she doesn't feel well. Or how I know she's sleepy because her little eyebrows get red, or how much I love her sleepy baby eyes when she gets sleepy. And that she gave her Kunkle (also her godfather) the bird for the first time and thought it was hysterical (thank goodness he caught a photo!!).

My first week of work was so very stressful! Every day, every shift I had LittleMiss had a different sitter. Tuesday, SOA night, Kunkle walked into my apartment after picking LittleMiss up for me and saw me crying on the couch. I was beyond stressed, I was missing LittleMiss, I was tired/exhausted, and I was angry after locking my keys in my car.

Thank God my car insurance covers locking my keys in my car. Thank God for blessing me with an amazing church. Kunkle reassured me that LittleMiss knew who I was, she may not register the emotion of love, but she knew me even when she was with her sitters. He also informed me that she is probably more loved than some children who have both parents and huge families. Everyone who has watched her loves her, and me. She is cared for, she is adored and she is loved.

And that helped more than words can express.

I envy stay at home moms. I would love to be one, but that is not in my cards at the moment. So instead I am busting my a** to provide for my daughter. If it came down to it I would sell all of MY possessions (MINE, not hers. Except for those four duplicate cloth diapers she has. Those don't count. Or those disposable Honest diapers that are too small now.)
Anyways, it won't always be like this. I know that, my future is bright because I believe in Jesus. I will embrace my trials as the book of James suggests. I know more will come.

So single mommies, remember always that your little one(s) are beyond worth the tears and struggles you will face. Every morning I wake up, blessed to have another day with LittleMiss.

My Little One

I am so in love with you. 

My dear you are gorgeous. And so photogenic. Constantly making me proud. 

Your smile and when you giggle or your eyes light up when you see me, that makes my day 100times better.  

I can tell when you're annoyed, angry and sleepy. Even when you frustrate me, I still love you. Yes my to-do list grows but nothing can replace my time holding you. 

Your beautiful blue eyes are so serious, alert and ready to take on the world. You're a few days away from two weeks but my love I see so much in you. You have Leo traits, you're feirce, demanding and love when people talk to you. 

When you fight sleep, you do it literally. Throwing fists, shaking your head or screaming.