Angry post

So I am calmed down a lot more than I was about half an hour ago. Long story short I have had an interesting day at work so far. A member brought in some left over pecan pie and after the most interesting part of my night(not in a good way) was over I ate a slice and a fourth of another. I was already hungry and craving a cheeseburger. That craving I beyond gone.

I just want to go do a rum. A mile or half a mile whatever. Not only do I feel gross from all the sugar but I am still not the happiest. I am frustrated to no end.

I am also talking my self out of regurgitating the pie(gross I know I'm sorry) so when I get home tonight I will probably make myself sick on the apartment treadmill.

I hve a cardio addiction.

That's all for now folks. Sorry about such a bitchy post.

Native American History Awareness

A few years ago I saw an episode of Gangland, well it was quite a few episodes actually. But the one that actually really touched me the most, the one that shed light on Native American Reservations. I actually cried a little bit.

Since I saw the episode I have been constantly thinking about ways to help, I have several ideas. Tons of ideas. I even want to be a teacher on a reservation. That is actually a conclusion that I finally cam e to very recently.

I'm going to start doing a lot of research on well anything that I can find about reservations and helping them, and working on them. I'm part Native American, but because my great great (great) grandparents never registered I really can't prove it. So while I am doing my research, if you already know anything that would be a big help. That and any prayers and good thoughts you can send me to help me would be very appreciated.


I think it is a terrible wrong and injustice that the government has put the original founders of this country on reservations that have mostly shacks and houses that are barely houses. I'll be keeping you guys updated every time I come across something interesting and helpful.

I hope you guys have a fantastic TUESDAY!!

Dreary Day

The clouds are pretty heavy outside today. They are even letting a few sprinkles out. 

Last night there were rumors about it SNOWING today. Hopefully it does not do that!!

This weather is terribly enjoyable. Except for the part that I don't get to curl up with a book in front of my fire place, but instead have to go work a nine hour shift at work. 

The joys of being an adult... There are joys right?? ;)

Just teasing! 

Peacock let me borrow one of his computers for this morning while I looked a few things up and did a few things for college. He's a pretty sweet guy. Last night he offered to give me a laptop of his that he never uses, I just need a power cord for it. It's going to save me a bit of money for a while so I'm excited!! That MacBook Pro is going to have to wait a few more months! ;)

So did anyone watch the Walking Dead last night?? If you didn't then turn away now because this will be a spoiler alert.

When the show first started I was okay with how strong willed and stubborn Andrea was. She liked to hope for the best. I don't know what happened but she sure got stupid when she met 'the governor'. Sure he is a clean cut guy, obviously has some authority, and she hasn't had sex in god knows how long, but none of that adds up to trusting him over Meachell. The girl who kept you alive for all of winter. I honestly don't understand how someone as evil as he is has survived this long. Or that little lab rat of his. He is so lucky that Andrea killed the old man before it turned him into a feast. 

I understand that zombies are for the most part running the world, and that the show is based off of a comic. I just don't necessarily like where it's going. Lori dying, two people turning into hostages, innocent military men being gunned down. 

I was pretty pissed when the governor acted like he was going to rape Maggie. Not to mention how insane Meryl is. 

That's my little rant! I have to cook lunch real quick!

Hope everyone has a great monday!

Technical Error

Sooo that picture you see there???

Look down...


Keep going


There at the end of the post....


Yeah that's my laptop. Or what used to be my laptop. :(
It fell off my dresser when I tripped on the cord. Freaking awesome possum. So now I have to come up with a new one before school starts. Sweetness.

I am sad to say that post will now be from my phone... Hopefully not for too long.

Thanksgiving Photos!!

look at that smile!!

PaPa and Lil J!(my nephew)

add about five or six more people to the equation and you have us all!

Poor baby did not leave my side. I'm not sure WHAT the kids fed him but he was so very sick today! Poor baby! At first I was pretty frustrated, but I was more worried to be honest.

Me being tortured! Two kids were braiding my hair and the one in purple wanted me to braid her hair. Do you know how hard it is to braid someones hair while you have TWO kids braiding yours??? it ain't easy. ;)

(photo graph by lil girl in purple)

(photo graph by lil girl in purple)

my awesome work!

I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. I know first hand that the holidays are difficult and stressful. Family members don't always get together, food gets burned, things are spilt...so on and so on. But at the end of it, it usually ends well. We leave with memories, some bad, most good. We also get a whole new year  to be thankful for new and old things.

Peacock wasn't able to make it to my family feast, which while it sucks, I still had fun. I know his family feast wasn't the best, but I know he still had a few fun moments. Plus I know his little boy had fun.

If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen a few pictures and a few posts on lost of food!! Ugh I was sooo stuffed and so thankful for my lactaid pills. I popped around four yesterday!! and they helped!!


Well I am going to get back to working on Christmas Presents!! Sweet Dreams Y'all!!!

Quick Post Wednesday

Okay dokay.

Yesterday I bought some lactaid pills so that I could have a snack McFlurry. Well I only took one pill, and was later informed that I should have taken two. Trust me that is something I will not forget again. I was in so so so much pain all day yesterday. ugh. it was not fun. I had burps and pain. 

 Lets see.... HAPPY TURKEY-DAY EVE!

(source)

I work today, a little earlier that originally thought... 12-6 instead of 2-6. But oh well just another chance to make more sales right?? After work I have to run home to get Oliver and my clothes for tomorrow, staying the night at Moms tonight and cooking!! haha Peacock is hopefully coming over tomorrow after his Turkey Day Lunch with his family. After BowTie(best friend) gets off work he's going to come over to my place! I haven't seen him in a few months. :) I'll also have two to three plates of food for him. Apparently he's lost a lot of weight! Which I am happy about for him, but also worried. He's lost a lot of weight....

anyway!! Gotta finish getting ready for work!! Be expecting a very pictures full post tomorrow!!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVE!! 

Monday's

I think I'm going start posting a picture every Monday. Something from the weekend. (the picture this week also happens to be a review)

The wine in the picture is delicious. I love Riesling. And was of course drawn in by the "cupcake" name. Very good. :)

Lazy Sunday Morning

Morning!! 

It definitely feels like a very lazy Sunday. I just wish I could have the day off!! It'll happen one day...

Well the company christmas party went well! Peacocks mom gave me a few of those Sally Hanson stick on nails. I actually kinda like 'em!! 

The index finger ended up chipping last night so I painted it with silver!!

I ended up going to a party with a coworker last night. My grammy text me and told me that my Great Aunt had had a heart attack, so I ended up chipping all the sparkles off my nails. and putting a pattern on them!

Finally Domino's does what I ask! It made my day too, the driver was adorable. She opened the box to show me the drawing before leaving.


I ended up going to the party with my coworker last night instead of going to the pub with the "Old-Family"(remember that 'awesome' group of friends I had?? Yes I those quotes are supposed to add a bit of a sarcastic tone to those words). I had intended to at some point leave the party and head down to the Pub, but it was a mix of not wanting to show up to the pub, where my ex-boyfriend would be with out my boyfriend and a bit of not sure exactly how welcomed I would be if I show up.

The way the family used to be is what I miss the most. All of my country friends just getting together, listening to blue grass-country music, having fun and laughing til we cry and our sides hurt. Yes there was drama but it was SMALL. Who knows maybe this holiday season will bring everyone back together again?  But if not, I know that I am still in good company with a beautiful handful of them.

I do feel a bit bad for not showing up the few times I have been asked to come out and see everyone. The feeling of being absolutely not wanted somewhere combined with all the 'mean-mugs' and 'go to hell looks' makes going out oh so fun. (again a bit of sarcasm)

Tonight is the Walking Dead! Peacock is coming over to my parents again tonight to watch it. I'm excited. And still happy that my parents like him.


Okay my tummy is getting very rumbly!!! So I am going to go make a quick breakfast, walk Oliver and head to work!! Hope you have a very lazy Sunday for me!!

Happy Hippy Hair! From the other day!

Cookie

Soooo

I just ate a cookie. Made with flour and chocolate.

Don't ask why. I have no idea. I'm slightly stressed and was eatin the cookie before I realized it. Way to go me.

I'm planning on running when I get home tonight. And then working out in the morning.

I plan on earning my showers. :)

I also just drank a full bottle of water. So now I'm extra full.

((Random post))

#78 completed!

I did it. I joined  3groups on meetup.com

Books and Booze
Lindy Hop, Swing and Jazz Dance
Party with a Purpose for shelter animals


I am excited to go to my first meet for any of these!!

Proof!! haha


So I talked to Momma this morning, both she and my step-daddy like Peacock. Step-Daddy called him Richard Gere.

And then talked about how dangerous a 'cute couple' like he and I are. I laughed. A lot. But it did make me happy that he passed the initial meeting of the parents test. 

Day Zero

So I am going to do this right this time around.

First I want to start off with a little information about the Day Zero 101 things to do in 1001 days challenge.

The Criteria: 
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on your part).

Why 1001 Days? 
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple challenges such as New Year's resolutions or a 'Bucket List'. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips, study semesters, or outdoor activities.

It's really fun, I also found a list of the most popular 101's! I read this after doing my list and there are a lot of great ideas! I'll have to use it for my next 101! 

Start Date: November 12, 2012

End Date: August 10, 2015

1. Speak Spanish fluently
2.learn to salsa
3. Learn to waltz
4. Learn to jazz dance
5. Volunteer two days a week
6. Shoot an 8pt buck
7. Shoot three doe
8. obtain my conceal and carry
9. Own two hand guns
10. Own 100 arrows
11. Go on a cruise
12. Go to an apple orchard and pick a ton of apples
13. Go to a pumpkin patch
14. Finish one of my books
15. Sky dive
16. Catch up on sons of anarchy
17. See the Branson Christmas lights
18. Go to a southern Californian beach
19. Go to Venice beach and collect a mason jar full of shark teeth.
20. Have thanksgiving at my home
21. Go on a road trip
22. Go ice skating
23. Get a neck tattoo
24. Get a finger tattoo
25. Have professional couples pictures taken
26. Run a 5k for cancer
27. Runs a 5k for children's charity
28. Work at a soup kitchen
29. Make a gf cookbook for me and momma
30. Donate hair to locks of love
31. Shop at MOD in Fayetteville
32. Shop at pink boutique in Rogers
33 have an overall 3.5gpa at NWACC
34. Blog everyday for a month
Send all the letters I've written and 5photos to aunt Mary
35. Vote on something
36. Volunteer 5days at an animal shelter
37. Buy a house
38. Take Oliver for one f those official dog walks
39. Go horse back riding
40. Go to a drive in movie and stay awake for both movies.
41. Obtain a job with weekends off
42. Waxing
43.Obtain a current drivers license.
44. Go camping for two nights
44. Hike devils den
45go scuba diving
46.go to a wine tasting in AR
47. Go to a wine tasting in CA
48.go whale watching
49. Go deep sea fishing
50. Learn to snow board
51. Spend a dayTie dyeing 
52.make a dairy/gluten free souffle
53take a cooking class
54. Eat at tusk and trotter
55. Go to a ballet
56. Go to a zac brown concert
57. Inspire someone to wrote their own 101
57. Swim at a waterfall
58. Try yoga
59. Turpentine creek wildlife refuge
60. Hot air balloon ride
61. Run the paint race
62. Go to a paint concert
63. Go to a rap concert
64. Go to a Matt nathanson concert
65.  Listen to a live jazz show while eating a nice dinner
66. Go to Mardi gras
67. Buy a bicycle
68. Meet a financial advisor and invest
69. Visit miss OK in OKC
70. Join 3 meetup.com groups
71. Host a dinner party
72. Throw a dart at a map and go where it lands
73. Adopt an elderly person for Christmas
74. Buy presents for a child on the angel tree
75. Sponsor a child from another country
76. Have a pen pal(and actually write letters$
77. Make cookies for a new neighbor
78. Try Rock climbing
79.get a passport
80. Fly first class
81. Buy a digital camera
82. Buy a MacBook pro
83. Watch a sunset
84. Watch a sunrise
85.  Go on a picnic
86. Go to the zoo
87. Grow a lime tree
88. Have a girls only weekend
89. Buy a pair of glitter high heels
90. Enter a photo at a fair
91. Stay the night at a haunted hotel
92. Receive the magazine subscription I bought in APRIL
93. See a ballet
94. See a broadway play
95. Go floating
96. Put a hammock up
97. Make a homemade salsa
98. Make a gf homemade pizza
99. Donate blood
100. Plant a tree
101. Camp in the back of a truck



I am so excited about this list and to get it started. Like I mentioned yesterday, there is a chance of me doing things on this list two or three times. Which I am excited about. But the reason being I may do some of them by myself at first, then with Peacock, and lastly there is a possibility that I do them with Peacock and Little Peacock(his son). 

Which by the way Peacock met my parents last night. I think it went over well. :)  I didn't get any calls this morning about him from momma so I'm relaxed. 

Hope ya'll have a GREAT monday!!

Off my chest

I'm siting here at subway. I just ate a footlong sub. Not only will my back end up killing me tonight but my anorexia is trying to turn into bulimia. It took a lot to eat the whole thing ad now it's taking all of me not to get up and go throw up.
Sorry if that's too much for you.

I'm about to go pick Peacock up from work as we're going to watch walking dead with my parents. And I have to pick up popcorn. Knowing I will eat a bag by myself.

It doesn't feel right of I don't have a spoon full of peanut butter or some popcorn when I go to moms. It just seals the deal ya know?? Makes it all come together.

Writing this so I won't go throw up the samwhich I just ate. I'm hoping it works and I think it might be.

It's not easy being allergic to gluten in the south. Or lactose intolerant. But it does make you eat healthier.

I'm going to go ahead and walk to my car and not stop by an rest rooms.


Sorry guys. :/

Rainy Day

Ugh! This is definitely a QUICK POST!!

I actually woke up early this morning and took time to love on Oliver and just relax a little. I also finished my 101 in 1001 list!! Finally!! This one will not be changed or altered it WILL BE COMPLETED. I know I've attempted this at least three different times.

But! Because it took me so long to finish my list I know have to hurry and get dressed. Which stinks because I don't want to go to work, I just want to cuddle up with Peacock and watch a black and white movie. And have Oli laying next to us. He is a big scaredy cat when it comes to rain and small storms.

SO either tonight or TOMORROW I will have the new updated version of 101 in 1001. I'm pretty excited.

Also keep in mind a few of the things on the list will probably be done two to three times. Depending. ;)

Growth

Today has been very interesting. (Shhh don't tell I wrote this at work.)

I went to Aldis with Peacock his first time ever...

That is pretty much not too relevant right now. So let me do a back story:

As I've stated previously my ex husband and I were best friends before were were ever romantically involved. For about six years. I found out my step-grampa died about two weeks before halloween. The day I found out it furthered my sadness over my loss of companionship with my ex-husband. He knew my step-grampa. He had spent Christmas' and Thanksgivings with that man. With my family. I didn't miss our romantic aspect, I missed our friendship. I had no one to hold me and tell me what I already knew: my step-grampa was out of pain, things were going to be okay.

I won't lie that day I looked at my ex-husbands facebook (everyone has looked at an ex's facebook don't give me that look!). I wanted to see how he was. He still has all of our pictures up (so do I). It was interesting to see them. I bucked up and put my smile on as I have so many times before, then proceeded to go shoot a zombie target.

It was fun.

A midst my zombie shooting I receive a text message from a number I have never seen asking me about my side of the divorce. It turned out to be my ex-husbands new girlfriend. She, with out even telling me who she was, asked for my side of the divorce; why it happened, what could have been done to change it, where the things he was saying true. At first I was willing to tell her, after some reluctance, I have nothing to hide. I even told her that I was not the best wife (as I've stated before). Well it got to where I was wondering if I really should tell her.

What did my divorce have to do with their relationship? So politely I suggested that I would not tell her. She then told me that she just wanted to know if the 'shit he was talking' was true, 'from one divorced woman to another'. I asked how she had acquired my contact information and she told me she had gone through his contacts. I was honestly shocked, in two years of marriage and three years total of being together I never went through his contact unless he had asked me.

Honestly knowing who she is and that he is back with her (they dated before he and I were together) that hurt. I'm not surprised that he is saying anything. He is still hurt. But it's who she is. Yes he said things about her to me. But what relevance is that to my life? Or was it to our life? I ended up flat out telling her twice that I would not tell her my side of the divorce. It has nothing to do with their relationship, she is with him. True or not what he has told her should be taken with a grain of salt and believed. She was not happy.

Fast forward to this past monday: I walk in to work and she walks out of one of our offices, freshly hired to work our kids care. I said nothing and shook my head at my GM. Some one came up to talk to him so I didn't have the chance to say anything until later. I found out she absolutely lied to the girl who hired her. She told the hiring personnel that she was still married (yes she is also divorced) to her husband that she had been with since high school, the man that is the father of her child. I was confused.

Had she lied to me or my employer? Before I had found this out she text me to ask if I worked at the location I am at. I did not respond. My GM handled the situation accordingly. I told him I didn't mind if either she or I were moved to another location as I did not want her (possibly) not having a job to be over my head. He informed me that it would not and not to worry. This morning after grocery shopping she text me again asking if I am at the location I am at. I did not respond.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. It's something I hate talking about because I hate to show any weakness. Sadly grocery shopping causes me a lot of stress because I am battling anorexia. Yes I realize that I am not a twig and I do not look anorexic, but it is an issue I've dealt with for a long time(more on this later). That coupled with a few other things caused me to be fighting off an anxiety attack for part of my shift. I went to the restroom and checked my phone.

She had text me. She said "It's so amazing how God works!!! You try and ruin something but he know all and things work out!!! Since you've complained about me working at world gym Joshua got a great job offer and now I don't have to work!!! I can sit at home all day, but unlike you ill clean an cook! Just bc that's a womens duty! :) it was a blessing in disguise!!! Thank you!" (That is verbatim, if you don't believe any thing I've said I do have screen shots to prove it)

I lost it when I read that. She aimed to hurt me and she did. I am so thankful I have such a great GM. I went into his office and informed him I was going to have an anxiety attack. He was very calm, patient, understanding and helpful. I hate to cry, especially in front of people. So It was not as bad as it could have been. I was able to shed a few tears and gain control of my breathing. GM talked to me about God, helping me remember we are not all perfect. He listened and kept me calm.

And as I sat there I realized how much I had grown over the past year. How blessed I was to have God's help. How blessed I am to have him helping me grow.

I am patient. I am kind. Somehow God gifted me with the ridiculous ability to be very empathetic. I may not have gone through whatever you are going through but somehow I understand. I have been through enough in my life that one way or another I can relate. I can feel your pain and try to see the bigger picture. I have a temper and can be a hot head.

Yet somehow I have been blessed with the knowledge, and be able to know that it is better to walk away and calm down. To realize that it's not always best to lash out. To breath. I still have feelings for my ex-husband. He still has feelings for me. But I have learned that we aren't meant to be together. It took a while but I am finally not waking up every day feeling like a failure. I am not thinking about him everyday. I am fully moving on.

I do have to say I am proud that with all of this I am still fighting against my depression and anorexia.

I am ME.
A girl working hard to take care of herself, her dog and her parents.
A girl trying to better herself in life.

Peacock and I are happy. We are a new relationship. We both have our skeletons and our baggage. We are happy. We may not last forever.

 But I can't thank him enough for all the support he has given me thus far. He scares me and he knows that, and that terrifies me. Peacock promises he won't hurt me, he makes me giggle and I am happily taking this day by day.

He even sat, talking to me on the phone for just over 40minutes while I cried about this situation. He managed to make me giggle, he helped to calm me down and he listened.

This past Weekend

It was so much fun!!
Saturday was a blast. I was supposed to meet my best friend Miss Oklahoma at her grandparents apartment to watch the hog game. Well I am just about to leave my apartment when I receive a text from Miss Oklahoma, she tells me that she has tickets for the hog game!! So we ACTUALLY went to the game! It was a lot of fun! It was my FIRST college football game! We went with Papa, and had a really good time(it was his first HOG game too!).

Miss.Oklahoma, Papa, Me!

Miss. Oklahoma went to get popcorn!

It's actually a rubber chicken!!

I ended up beating Miss. Oklahoma and papa back to Papa and Nana's apartment, and while waiting for them and watching an old seventies tv show with Nana, I fell asleep on the couch. It was a good... 15? minute nap!

i miss her already!!!

Then Sunday rolled around and I went to work....

i see you...

It was funny to see all the regulars come in and tell me they had thought I had quit. I think it's funny that they don't ask my coworkers if I had quit or not. It's just a simple question. 

After work I drove up to my mommys house and watched the Walking Dead with my step-daddy. It was a good episode! It made me mad(I stomped my feet on the floor) and I almost cried. I was also texting a friend of mine(PD) and Peacock(the boyfriend, it's a perfectly fitting inside joke name. :] ). It was funny because neither of them were watching it. So all they got were "WTF??" 's, and "OMG OMG OMGOSH" 's! I then preceded to spend some time with mommy after the show, she will NEVER watch the Walking Dead. 

It was a very fun night. I'm really glad that I am so close with my family. I hope you guys have a great Tuesday, DONT FORGET TO VOTE!!!

(I'm sure there is a bit of curiosity towards Peacock, and there will be a post about that soon.)

Video Game Night Turned Movie Night

Hey there folks!!

I am sitting here on my comfy couch waiting for my boyfriend (that's right!! a guy has found his way into my life again!! AND Oliver likes him!!...well he actually gets pretty jealous...) to come over so we can eat wings, he'll have a beer, I may have a glass of wine and we will watch a movie. The original plan was to play video games, since I haven't done that if FOREVER. But instead of driving from work to his house to my house to get the game console he's just headed over here... I think.

It's been an interesting day. I was moved locations...again.  I am now back to where I started. Which is nice but I really miss everyone at the other location. I was building some great relationships with the members, making some great friends. Some of which I know will still keep in contact with me, which is nice. 

For example, I went with one of them, we'll call him Mr.PD, to my old place of work at the furniture store to help him pick out a mattress. It actually turned out really well! I saw my old boss, and a few old co-workers. The store was pretty slow which was nice. We even managed to find a new bed frame for Mr.PD, along with the mattress he will end up getting AND he won the drawing they had!! It was for a $500 gift card! It was pretty fun!! 

I was also harassed pretty much by a friend of mines girl friend. that was entertaining. It turns out he and I aren't friends anymore and never really were that close. Which is a news flash to me, sure we haven't talked in a few months, but we've gone without talking before. 

I would post some fun pictures of the conversation between she and I, but the boyfriend called(I've got to get a nickname for him) so I will possibly post them later. He's pretty close to my place so I gotta go! Talk later! 

Have a great night!

Pedicure

Has anyone else noticed that some one turned down the thermostat? Burr!!

Haha well I have!! And I am not happy about it! The first few days of cold weather make me very lazy. So as soon as I finish writing this I am going to do a quick vacuum and put the sheets back on my bed!!

It's been a while since I've posted and I do have a lot of things to write about and recipes to share but not enough time. By the way i had a pedicure this morning!! It was so nice!! I did almost fall asleep though!