Goodbye 2012

Oh goodness.
From what I understand this has been quite a year for everyone. Some good, some bad and some a good mix of both. Lets have a recap why don't we...

I made some really good friends, lost some friends.
Obtained my first apartment.
Became legally divorced.
Had to give away Duchess.

I miss her so much!! But she is too big for my (now) apartment.

 





My mom and I became closer.
I went to my first Razorback football game.
Went to my first Razorback Basketball Game

It was actually pretty fun!!

 

Became a Manager in Training.

Lost my Grandmother.



it looks instagram-y because my google plus is messing up...

 



It feels like I've cried more this year than any of my previous years.

I've had several relationships, all making me a better person. I even had some intense feelings about one in particular.

I became a single mother.
I learned that I have some of the best people I could have in my life.
I had to put down Oliver, last friday actually. It turns out he was 12 not 4, and he was riddled with tumors.

talapia the night before he went to the vet. It was a pretty big shock

 

 

I did adopt another doggie. Her name is Daisy. I know it's a bit early, but I had an anxiety attack...

I lost my step grandfather.

 

 

Any ways a whole lot more happened in 2012, but these are the main bullets I can think of.

 

 

Goodbye 2012. You will carry a lot of good memories, bad memories, laughter and tears. You took a lot of loved ones and a few celebrities. But thank you for making me a better person, a stronger human. I'll see you in the history books doll.

 

 

Sadly It Will Happen

I'm going to let myself get over you. To move past all of those smiles, those talks of the future in passing. To cry. I'm going to LET myself cry, not like before when it simply snuck up on me.
But that scares me sweetheart.
It scares me to let myself move on.
I know the saying, let it go if it comes back its yours if it doesn't it never was yours.
But that what if pops in my head: what if you do come back but it's too late?
Because slowly its reaching that point. The point where as much as I miss falling asleep in your arms, as rare as it was, the longing is growing less and less. The point where going my day without your name popping up on my phone or your voice, calling to see that I've made it home safe after work, it's all going back to normal.

I've read so many books that have a heroine who has to be strong, she's taking care of so many people(family, friends, herself) that it's second nature. At some point a hero enters the book, at first it may not even be the right hero or the right moment for that hero. Most often it's at the least expected time.
Just like you. Sort of.
I had written you off like any other boy, one who caught my eye but couldn't catch my attention. Then you did it, you managed to grab my attention.

I was hopefully at first, that our story hasn't ended, that this was just the cliff hanger or the in-between chapters the fluff they use to fill the pages. Only, I would like to think, the fluffy has covered enough empty space.
So my conclusions are just that: this is the end.
After the new year I would love to grab lunch, maybe I'll still try to do that. I hate to part and not have a friend from this experience. I've had shorter lived romances, but not ones as connected as this.
I've apologized once, or was it twice?, for a few of the things I've said. I'm usually calm, there are just a few buttons that make my blood boil and cause me not to think all that clearly.
What stinks are the subtle reminders of you. Every relationship has reminders long after the ending, but the firewood on my porch will probably be there for quite a while. My sisters wedding I asked you to attend with me, I'll probably go alone now.
I'm checking the spot you used to park in less and less. I think I did it a bit out of fear and hopefulness.
I'll always remember a little bit of you, I'll always have a small piece of you in my heart.
I know you will probably never read this. I'm sure very few IF any will read it. Ha my cheeks are blushing at the thought that some one might. If so I apologize that this isn't a very happy go lucky Christmas post. But again my fingers are typing what my heart and reluctant mind are saying.
To whom this post is for, if we don't talk again, if we don't have lunch after the new year, then I wish you and your family a bounty of joy and blessings. Even when you don't get along remember how they love you, quite a lot from everything you've told me. I hope this new year is one of the best you've seen in a long time and that the bad times, when they come because they will and always do, that they are followed by fantastic times.

Sweet dreams.

Tonight We Write

Tonight I stay up later than I mean to. (check)

Write quite a bit more of my story.

Go to bed far too late.

Wake up early.

Get a mani and pedi. AND get my mummy a pedicure!

Come home and be a grown up. Clean.

Sit in sadness for five minutes at the most.

Take a nap. It's going to be needed I'm sure.

Probably clean some more, go to a tame bachelorette party.

SLEEP.

Sunday go to work.

Ah weekend schedule.

Rainy Evening

This is probably going to be one of those really long posts that attempt(or may even be) just a bunch of ramblings from the heart that I won't care if I edit or not(except the misspelled words..hate those..).

It's been a while since I've let my fingers do the typing and my heart the writing. For those of you who know me or have caught on, I love rainy days. They bring out my creative side, my in-tune side. Rainy days are fantastic for cuddling, turning off the tv, a few logs in the fire place, maybe a warm cup of hot coco, and that person that you are thinking of right now; the one you want to cuddle and not let go. Isn't it funny that while I described the scene it was you who put it all together and chose the person you would like to have your arms wrapped around?

Sadly, I have no one to wrap my arms around. Peacock and I have decided to take a break. I have a lot of stress with work, school, family in poor health while he also has his own stresses right now. I don't know if we will get back together, but I can't make myself stop hoping. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's the truth. I miss him. Maybe it's just with-drawls, the not having a goodmorning text to wake up to, sweet dream text to fall asleep after or the random 'how has your day been' texts to get me through my day. I may not know what's going to happen or where we are going to end up but God does.

I've thought long and hard on the situation. I never wanted to hurt him, he never wanted to hurt me. Somewhere along the road we were both stung, by previous relationships as well as ours. One day we'll be able to get over it all, just like everyone else out there who has had that sting that is still sore to the touch.

I am beyond thankful for my family and my friends. I have been blessed more than I realized with them. Miss Oklamhoma and I have been talking A LOT more, something I think we both need and keeps us sane! She is living a life that I am proud of for her. One that she is happy with, very happy with. I also have MM, who is like my big brother! He and I don't talk as much as we used to but I know with out a shadow of a doubt that he will always be there for me, and vise versa. He is in a new relationship that makes him sooo happy, he smiles so much more now than when he used to. I'm also thankful for my Mom and Step-Dad, we haven't always gotten along, but we have gotten very close in the recent years. I'm thankful for all of my family on the West Coast. I never see enough of them and crave to go home to them as much as I can. No matter what my cousins are always positive, my dad always teaches me something new and so does my Aunt. I wish I could talk to my grampa more, but the time differences makes that a little hard.

He and my late grandma didn't have the worlds best relationship, but they loved each other so much. Stuck it out thick and thin. I miss her a lot also. Since she past my other grandmother and I have grown a lot closer. I refuse to miss an oppurtunity to spend time with my grandparents, talk and learn from them as much as I can. My Gammy E. lives in California with her husband(newly weds!). Talking about all of my west Coast family is making me terribly home sick.

Don't get me wrong, Arkansas has a large portion of my heart and always will. After all I learned a little(not enough) about cars, hunting and becamevery intune with my country side, but California will always have a home feeling for me. One that I will never be able to shake. Who knows, like I've mentioned a few times before, I may end up back there. Maybe the coast, maybe more inland, maybe just a vacation home. ;]

I'm getting cold...which by proxy brings my back to relationships. No matter what age you are you will one day learn that you don't need to be completed; what you need is to be complimented. That the person whom you are with should not be needed by you, they should be wanted. Especially for the girls out there. While I do believe the man is the head of the household, I believe that a woman should still be able to be independent.

I also believe that I am suddenly terribly tired. I'm sorry I didn't ramble more, I honestly meant to. But the rainy weather is draining me... ugh.

sweet dreams ya'll.

Let's try this again

A few months ago I came to the social security office in hopes of returning to my maiden name, didn't work.

Here I am again giving it another shot.

This time I sat next to a couple who bickers easily and won't shut the sound of on their cell phone card game. Did I mention I've had a migraine this morning?

There is also this adorable little baby who has the cutest laugh. And cutest giggle.

After the hopeful return of my last name ill be heading to my insurance agents office to see about what I should about a vehicle I backed into.

Okay I'm sorry. I do have to inform you that a woman just walked in wearing cheetah print pink leggings.

Migraine is getting a smug worse.

I hope everyone has a beautiful Monday. Hopefully not as chilly as it is here in AR!

Day One

A few days ago I watched the movie "mirror, mirror". Love it.

It's funny, a bit corny, and still reminds you of the snow white you grew up with.

I watched a bit more of it tonight while I rocked my flamingo robe and knee high domokin socks. Love both of those items. I wish I had some flamingo knee highs now...

Anyways Peacock and I had a...fight...diss agreement...bickering...argument. I'll be completely honest: 1. It was mostly my fault. 2. I have no real idea where we stand.

I miss him. That I know for sure.

We haven't talked all day. (hence "day one"). I can only imagine what's going through his head and he can only imagine what's going through mine. If you read this peacock, I'll be honest the first thing is food. The rest is a bunch of analytical rubbish. And a bit of missing you.

I know I'm not perfect no matter how hard I try. I never will be. But I have a dog who sheds like crazy, rams me with his cone when I make him wear it and loves me. I at least want to be the person he thinks I am everyday.

I don't know where I will be in a the next few years, hopefully Oliver will still be around. To be frank California has been crossing my mind again. I'm not entirely sure though. Whenever peacock and I were together I didn't miss California as much. No where near as much honestly. He brought the feeling of home to Arkansas.

It's getting late, I have to wake up early. And I drank my sleepy time tea. So I apologize for my ramblings. Although I do highly suggest everyone watch mirror mirror. :)

Sweet dreams.

Christmas List

I have yet to complete my Christmas shopping. I've only got a few more things I need to get for people, so I am not too worried. :)
Then I just need to make them. :(  Hopefully that won't take too long!
I really can't stand how commercialized Christmas has become. The biggest the best the most of the toys. Don't get me wrong, the little ones deserve a good christmas but simple gifts work just as well. Lincoln logs, legos, G.I Joes. Maybe it's because I'm easily entertained even as an adult.

 *Is anyone else making gifts this year?*
I actually did find a few things that inspired me on pinterest. I'm excited to  make them!!
Im making a few extras for Momma Peacock. She is fantastic, we haven't really had a chance to meet, but she sends treats over with Peacock. Very yummy treats.

I really hope she likes them.


So with it being so close to Christmas I am sure everyone has made their want lists. I actually finally made my list!! Here is my list, finally revealed!

A cute peacoat (red or grey)
A watch
A canning kit
A simple silver chain for my grandmas finger print necklace
A nice DSLR camera
Yarn. I could use some yarn.

That's it. Pretty simple really.

I've got to get ready for work! Hope you have a great hump day..I still feel half asleep.

Phone Addicts

Have you ever noticed how more and more people are becoming more and more addicted to their phones? I've always noticed, but never realized just how bad I am.

A member of the gym offered to give me their old screen off of there phone since they had a new one and put it on mine. We had a little hick up when there was miss-communication that I have a 4 not a 4s(wish I did though! ;] ) But everything went well, until the end. When the screen would turn on but the touch wouldn't work. So he is going to give it another go tonight, if it still doesn't work then Peacock is going to give me a substitute phone until this one is fixed. He's pretty awesome.

Which by the way...well Let me finish my technology rant....

I hate, absolutely HATE,when I see a couple out and they are both on their phones. Really?? Can you not find something, something in this world of MILLIONS of things to talk about?? Yes I understand, they could be looking for something to prove a point or just happened to have just gotten on their phones. But that is not always the case. Pinterest, facebook, chive, iFunny, and the list goes on and on of apps that people have just become engrossed in. Don't get me wrong I love me some pinterest, and my family mostly communicates via facebook, I even used to love Chive.

When ever Peacock comes over and we're watching a movie then turn to our electronics(yes I am included), after a few minutes I tend to make a (snide) remark about how much I love that we aren't even talking, we're just playing on our gadgets. It usually works; we either go back to our movie or pick some sort of topic to talk about.


Now on to my next topic.

I care about Peacock. A lot.

I managed to invest more and begin to care a lot more about him than I meant to or wanted to right now. He knows this, I told him last night. He is going through a lot of stress right, and we are going to take a step back. Not a big one, but one that will take a bit of stress off of him, until he can have all of this stress(as much as he can anyways) gone. We are still going to talk and hang out when we can, but not quite as much.  I hope this is making sense, I'm reading it and it barely is to me.

Peacock and I care a great deal about each other. There is no getting around that. He can calm me down and make me laugh at the same time faster than anyone else I know. He's been fantastic so far. Not saying he's perfect, but neither am I. We've had a tiff or two, but we're human. We've grown together from them, not apart.



Lets see other than that...Work is going great. The holiday cheer has really made everyone (members and staff) a bit jollier than usual.


Hope y'all have a great TUESDAY.

Spring In December

It is beyond beautiful outside.

And no one can believe that this weather is actually happening.

haha You won't hear me complain.

Peacock and I sat out on the patio for a little while last night until I got too cold. It was nice. We had loaded the wood up from car, I couldn't quit laughing. It was cute to see him carry it all. I started getting the sniffles and sneezes yesterday morning after getting to work. I'm not a happy camper. But Peacock did get me a yummy Peppermint Mocha from McDonalds and cuddled me while we watched New Guy. He also informed me several times that I am pretty cute when I'm sick.

Also that I can be needy and mean. But he started it... ;)

Walking Dead was (obviously) on last night. We made the trek up to my parents house and watched it with my Step-Daddy. Ugh. I am so annoyed with Andrea. I mean COME ON GIRL!!! Love makes people blind  but surely she isn't already that stupid. The Governor isn't even that cute. It was obvious he had issues before he killed the military boys(which pissed me the heck off) or showed that his daughter was a captive zombie.
When Michelone unhooked the zombie daughter I kinda buried my head in Peacocks shoulder.

After the Walking Dead we had fun laughing with my parents. :)

By the way girls, in my opinion, a man should open the door for you at the least 9 out of 10 times. I don't care how independent you are don't get mad when they do. It's a sign of respect. Always has been always will. It's something you should come to except, especially if you're in a relationship or dating. Peacock always opens the car door for me. It's cute when he forgets and tries to beat me by opening it from the inside.

Women should have a sense of independence, know that you can take care of yourself, but also know that you deserve respect, gratitude and endearment. Just like men do. Your relatives, significant other, co workers and bosses. Most of the world has forget about those things. Which is sad.


I leave you with a funny text, this is from Friday. I was getting ready to go bowling.

I don't even know where that came from.

I hope you all have a fantastic Monday!!! I'm off to get some groceries and sit in the sauna.

Firewood

I am so thankful for my grandpa. He is a bit to handle if you don't really know him or if you are a complete city slicker. ;)
I really enjoy going out there even if it is about an hour and a half drive. The view is beautiful and I always learn something new about him.

I also love to go visit him because he reminds me of the home and life that I want. I want a big family, I want a BIG house and a LOT of land. The house that I want I even wrote down most of the details. My plan right now is to manage to get a roommate for the remainder of my lease, possibly move in with my parents so I can start saving some money. I am very serious about buy a house and a lot of land. VERY. SERIOUS.

It was nice spending time with my family. We watched a few home videos from..the fifties. People I may have met once. My family may not always get along, but I am still happy I have them. 

 I want a beautiful view like these.

That is all the firewood my grampa cut for me. It just barely fit in the back of my car; Peacock is going to help me carry it up the stairs. I'm excited to use it. Right now I have a bunch of candle holders and a few candles in the fire place. I will use that set up one night also. It's so pretty. 

I hope you enjoy the video of my papa!!

ALSO! I will be doing a series of things that people can and should do when in Arkansas.