What {{BIG}} thanks I have.

It's such a simple post, but I have no idea how to even start it. 

I am in an interesting season of my life; a single mom, craving to grow closer to the Trinity, moving in with my parents, supporting my best friend with her marriage and wedding plans. It's exciting. It's scary. I can not list off all the blessings God has given me it would take far too long. 

Yet today is Thanksgiving, so I would like to truly show gratitude. I really do hope that I have shown my gratitude to everyone!! I'm not going to say names or who has helped me with what, because those amazing people are not doing things for gratification. They're doing it out of the love of Christ. 

From helping by watching Hensley, to giving her clothes, meals and food, and so so much more. I truly hope that when people see me they don't see what I have done but they see what God has done for me. Because He has done so much. I would literally have nothing without him! 

So this is my thanks, to Christ, to my amazing church, to my amazing family and friends and everyone in between. Those bystanders who offer to get the door while I'm carrying LittleMiss. The folks who purchase the pastries I bake. The random stranger who returns my smiles. And the drivers who leave room for me to squeeze in. 

I'm thankful for the good, the unanswered prayers, the things taken away and the gifts given. 

Grey Skies, Cold Wind

By cold wind I mean bone biting cold. But that is Arkansas for you.

Unfortunately LittleMiss and I are in hibernation mode. Well she is. For some reason I can not sleep during the day. So instead I cuddle a beautiful sleeping babe. It's a bit bittersweet. I could really use a nap, or cleaning or packing, maybe a little bit writing.

Sometimes you {{Forget}}

Sometimes the pressures, expectations, worldly views, all of that makes us just forget.

Where we came from, where we wanted to go, who we wanted to be, what we need to be. Like my last post that I need to apologize for. It is tremendously nice of my parents to open up their home and allow my daughter and I to move back in. I am so thankful.

Yet, the type A prideful personality I have along with all of the outside views pushes me with my want to be the best. 'I should be able to fully provide for my daughter, on my own, in my own home.' 'I need a new car. New clothes. Nice things. Name brand.'

Moving...again.

Hi.
My name is Corrin and I am a single mom.
Finances are tight, the hours are long and the world is cold.

My plan was to find a rent house in the spring and move there so that LittleMiss would have a house, a real house to grow up in. And I was not going to move out of that rent house until...well I guess until I ever became married. But that is not what is going to be happening.

Instead I will be moving in with my parents. I haven't lived with them since I was 18. Every fiber of my being is screaming to not do it, but there are not really any other options. Not many people are interested in having an infant as a roommate. The logical side of me is saying this is good, on all sides. It will help my parents and myself (and daughter).

So now the plan is to not move out of their house until (you guessed it) I get married. If that should ever happen.

Here is the hard part: what do I sell? What do I keep? As you read in the above, I have lived on my own since I was 18. Which means I have a lot of stuff, I have established myself so to say. This morning I have been making a list of things to sell as well as trying to decide what to take over to my parents. Since I will be slowly moving in before my trip to California and then completing the process on my return.

Since I am not home all that much I'm hoping and praying that my Mom and I won't fight/bicker very much. Hey this is just one more excuse to be at the gym!! And take LittleMiss to the park. :)

Prayers greatly appreciated!

It's ten o'clock, where is your child?

Mine?

Oh this beautiful bundle is asleep in my arms as we sit in a local brewery. Quite a tasty brewery and the environment is very much that if a brewery.

It's concrete floors, stills in the back, small bar top with only a few picnic tables offering extra seats. But what will surprise you is the very high tech pinball machine they have. 

Yes, I did say that my three month old daughter is currently lounging in my lap. I am tired. But I don't yet want to leave. No one is really paying me any attention, so that's not it. No interesting conversations are being had, after all I am writin this. So what could be making me want to stay?

Simple. 

LittleMiss is sleeping soundly in my arms. And I love it. 

3months(and three days)

My oh my Little One how you have grown.

Your personality shines brighter every day, as do your eyes. That mess of hair on your head still has a mind of its own. But I love every crazy minute of it.

When once you would not take a pacifier, now you do, as well as your thumb.

Before the camera was something that never caught your attention, now you will pose-smile or cry to make mommy stop taking pictures.
Your 'oooos' and 'aaahhhs' are being more distinct, we even have a few conversations.
Lately, my Little One, you have to be holding on to my thumb or one of my fingers before you will succumb to sleep. I love it.
It has been decided that you initiate all new baby sitters with blow-outs. It's your way of hazing.

Beards.
If a man is holding you and he has little or no facial hair you are very confused. 

Pride and prejudice is your favorite movie. When the ballroom dancing scene is on you dance away. 

Music. You LOVE music. Oldies, a bit of the new, gangster rap(mommy prefers when you listen to Christian gangster rap, but you don't care), and acustic. Several of our dead friends will pick up a guitar and sing to you. The fascination that shows in your eyes is magical. 

It's heaven and hell when you cry. It's beautiful and heart breaking. 

And oh how I love your cuddles. You nestle into me with your head rest on my heart, your squeaks and cries and grabbing on to me. 

{It's a hold me kind of day}

Says little miss with her cries, and whimpers and pouting bottom lips. 

And I feel guilty. There are scones to be made, hours that need worked so bills can be paid. But I feel guilty. 

You're sad eyes calling for mommy to hold you are met with poor excuses of attempts to sooth you to sleep. 

Your sparkling eyes light up when you're spoken to or smiled at or sang too, those illuminate my life. But have been few and far between today. 

I want to sit and cry, if only for just a few minutes. Perhaps tonight while you are with MissBC I have the opportunity. But truly I do not have the luxury of crying. 

I need to stay strong, for you my Little Miss. A strong sturdy role model. What good would my tears do anyhow? What would I be crying for anyways? 

It's been a "hold me mommy, tell me you love me" kind of day. But in my selfishness I have turned a blind eye to what you truly wanted. Please forgive me. 

Right now you seem contently asleep in my arms. One palm resting on your face the other as wrapped around me as your tiny arm can be. I finally realized what your wee demands were and gave in. Those hours that need worked will happen after a bit of cuddling and a few I love you's are spoken. 

It interesting how many things I must relearn or remind myself that now I am a mommy. Be it stress or old habits returning against my will I have not ate like a nursing mother should. I have forgotten to keep up with my vitamins and allowed my home to turn into a huge mess. 

Little Miss has been acting as though her tummy hurts and I have noticed a huge drop in my milk production. Stress, lack of proper nutrition and sleep I am sure are all playing huge factors into that. In attempts to sooth her discomfort I'll be doing another elimination diet, the culprit I am sure is gluten. Again. 

I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am annoyed. I am hungry without the want to eat. I am thirsty with out the ability to drink. I have a million things running through my mind, and what feels like no one to talk to them about. 

(Photo from earlier today)