In her hands

It's terrifying being a mommy.
I never realized how much of a control freak I could be.
I never knew I could love something or someone so much it quite literally hurts. I never knew how hard fear could grip me. Spiders, zombies, they have nothing compared to the fear of something stoping me from protecting my baby. Fear of something happening to her out of my control, where I can't be there to immediately react. Fear of something happening to me and in turn my inability to protect or watch the little life that formed inside of me grow into a beautiful adult.

As a single mommy I play all roles.
Good guy, bad guy, protector, discipline-r, I am the woman trying to be a good godly mommy/influence, the stern voice telling her not to play with the knives in the dishwasher, the provider, the gourmet chef, the wardrobe planner and washer, diaper changer, and stuffed animal kisser. 

There are never enough hours in day for what my job title entails.
There are never enough seconds during her wake up hugs or random kisses (either the ones that she allows me to give her or the ones she gives me.). The giggles always cut too short, beauty of her young innocence  going too quickly. 

I could never breathe into words what every mother feels; it's too deep, too real, too loving.

I know this seems random but this is just a part of motherhood. I can't tell if I've over posted things like this or if I haven't told you how much I love this tiny human or maybe it's just something I really needed to get off my chest. 

Motherhood, fatherhood, will be your greatest accomplishment and biggest weakness. 

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I want to write one of those tear jerking posts, not so that you'll pity me, but so that other girls can read it to see just what I am feeling. Unfortunately too many other things are going on in my life at the moment and it would be incredibly unwise to do so.

Instead I'll tell you that I am excited to be serious again about pursuing, strengthening, and growing a relationship with the Trinity {Father, Son, Holy Ghost}. Allowing outside voices and pressures to come between what I had already built was, of course, excruciatingly obviously the most idiotic thing I could do.

Instead I will hint at a few passions that have been reignited in me. That I missed being nice-r, and helping more people.

Instead I will tell you that even though, yes I would be very happy to have a man in my life, good strong stand up christian man to be a father for LittleMiss, it is {apparently not in the cards at the moment} unneeded. One day I'm sure, pursuing it isn't on the top of my list.

I will also tell you that I am okay with not making it to the gym in just over a month. I'm okay with being the stern yet oddly flexible parent. My little one needed a nap, zumba can wait until the next class. Lunges can happen in my house, squats against my wall. There is always that short time of freedom I have in the afternoon to start hitting the weights again.

I might throw in that I will be up late tonight working on homemade flash cards for my daughter. So that play time will also include fun learning time. She is a brilliant and stubborn young girl, I am blessed to have my hands so full.  Even when she is a tyrant she is a blessing.

I am blessed to be a single mommy.

If you don't understand the above sentence and would like to discuss or argue about it by all means: come at me bro.

Did I mention my home is a mess? That I am generally exhausted from working to jobs? But that when that beautiful little girl whats to 'tickle' my belly button, be chased, thrown in the air, feed me a spoonful of air and imagination, or throw corks in a basket I find that I have all the energy in the world?

My life isn't easy. More than one time I week I have disdain for the boy {doesn't quite deserve to be called a man, at least in my opinion.} who helped to create her, yet I am thankful I have her to hold at night. To hug in the morning. To run up to me when I pick her up at her nanny's.

I'm sure we will talk more and I'm sure it will be soon. I have all too many photos to post and recipes to recap for you.