Little Rock, oh, Little Rock {pt1}

I had a great weekend in Little Rock.

It was better than I expected, even though I wasn't sure what to expect. As it always does with TheBeardedWonder, time flew by. The drive to was fun (he fell asleep, so I jammed out. DriverSeat dancing... Singing Solos...), the sights were great even though we only saw a small portion. 

While Little Rock has very dangerous areas, and is very hood, everyone was truly nice, as well as friendly.

Fathers Day Weekend{2015}

Let me start off by saying this is not my favorite holiday, neither is Mothers Day but that's not the topic. 

Fathers Day is difficult for me because I do still feel like I am fulfilling both roles. I realize I'm going to end up catching flack for this, but please hear me out. This is not to attack anyone, this is just an expression of my views. 

Last year I absolutely was both mommy and daddy. I was bitter about the day, yet thankful for those who did wish me a 'Happy Fathers Day', most of them understood my pain as they were single mums as well. 

This year was a bit rough. Slightly different reasons though. 

This year I had to share my baby with her father, which isn't the issue. He is her dad, he has decided to be a part of her life. But I am still both disciplinarian as well as friend during the week, and every other weekend. I'm still the one kissing every booboo, imaginary or not, and attempting to get her to eat her food, while continuing the battle to not hit mommy. 

Let me be even more honest, there have been things said by persons who are much more bitter than myself. Even though I do my best to not fully acknowledge such things, they have been said. Add those things to the unfortunate and brief history he and I have and it's hard not to worry.  I want to believe with all of my heart that he is becoming everything she deserves, though I have no proof. It's the lack of any sort of evidence, aside from fleetingly brief bye-byes, that makes me worry.  

Learning to Live Again

I'm not sure if 'again' is correct, honestly. Although thinking about it, I haven't been near this happy since I was a kid before we moved out to Arkansas. 

It's seems that I have found some one who loves the outdoors, and adventures as much as I do. He has been teaching me a bit about cycling, great places to hike, and accepts my weirdness, as well as my child with open arms. He is his own person, who loves his children, as much as I love LittleMiss. 

Although things are new between he and I, his support of my love for adventure is helping to make it great. Yet this relationship isn't the only thing this post is about. 

See, I'm finally eating more, my depression doesn't consume me as frequently, my anxiety is not as high, and my creativity is resurfacing. I realized a few weeks ago that I have buried a large part of me down, attempting to kill off what makes me happy. Upon that realization, I knew had to do something to change it. I needed to live again. While being the primary caregiver to my beautiful baby girl will never not be my top priority, I have decided that doing what makes me happy is important as well. It too needs to be tended to. 

Riding my bicycle has been the biggest help yet. From short errands, to blowing off steam, I love how much confidence  in my riding I have gained over the past month. 

I've fallen in love with rock climbing and can not wait to join my best friend to climb again. 

Hiking is becoming a part of my life again, as well as simply walking around town, visiting new stores, meeting new people. 

I'm so excited to make several purchases for my new love of outside: kayaks, hammocks, bicycle gear...

While I haven't painted in over a month, I'll be picking up my brushes again this week to begin the fun once more. 

But on this short journey I've made thus far, I'm also realizing how closed off I am to people. While I am considered a people person, and I do enjoy social interaction, I have made sure to not let those new faces get closer that absolute face value. Maybe one day I'll go into detail as to what has driven me to be as such. 

The point is that I wouldn't mind making more friends, having more groups to hike, bike ride, or swim with. Ha! Or simply grab a cup of coffee to discuss a book or life. 

Yes there are sour apples of people out there, but that doesn't mean everyone deserves to be shut out. 

Even as such I find myself following the advice given to me by several people: daily forgiveness. Not only to those who have caused me great pain, but also of myself. It's not going end over night, but it is becoming easier day by day. 

So this is my promise to myself, and my tiny family, I am going to live again. I am going to go on adventures, continually trying new things, and not let bitterness win. I will reside in happiness, never allowing my anger to control me. 

"It is not the pursuit of happiness, but the happiness of pursuit."