Growth

Today has been very interesting. (Shhh don't tell I wrote this at work.)

I went to Aldis with Peacock his first time ever...

That is pretty much not too relevant right now. So let me do a back story:

As I've stated previously my ex husband and I were best friends before were were ever romantically involved. For about six years. I found out my step-grampa died about two weeks before halloween. The day I found out it furthered my sadness over my loss of companionship with my ex-husband. He knew my step-grampa. He had spent Christmas' and Thanksgivings with that man. With my family. I didn't miss our romantic aspect, I missed our friendship. I had no one to hold me and tell me what I already knew: my step-grampa was out of pain, things were going to be okay.

I won't lie that day I looked at my ex-husbands facebook (everyone has looked at an ex's facebook don't give me that look!). I wanted to see how he was. He still has all of our pictures up (so do I). It was interesting to see them. I bucked up and put my smile on as I have so many times before, then proceeded to go shoot a zombie target.

It was fun.

A midst my zombie shooting I receive a text message from a number I have never seen asking me about my side of the divorce. It turned out to be my ex-husbands new girlfriend. She, with out even telling me who she was, asked for my side of the divorce; why it happened, what could have been done to change it, where the things he was saying true. At first I was willing to tell her, after some reluctance, I have nothing to hide. I even told her that I was not the best wife (as I've stated before). Well it got to where I was wondering if I really should tell her.

What did my divorce have to do with their relationship? So politely I suggested that I would not tell her. She then told me that she just wanted to know if the 'shit he was talking' was true, 'from one divorced woman to another'. I asked how she had acquired my contact information and she told me she had gone through his contacts. I was honestly shocked, in two years of marriage and three years total of being together I never went through his contact unless he had asked me.

Honestly knowing who she is and that he is back with her (they dated before he and I were together) that hurt. I'm not surprised that he is saying anything. He is still hurt. But it's who she is. Yes he said things about her to me. But what relevance is that to my life? Or was it to our life? I ended up flat out telling her twice that I would not tell her my side of the divorce. It has nothing to do with their relationship, she is with him. True or not what he has told her should be taken with a grain of salt and believed. She was not happy.

Fast forward to this past monday: I walk in to work and she walks out of one of our offices, freshly hired to work our kids care. I said nothing and shook my head at my GM. Some one came up to talk to him so I didn't have the chance to say anything until later. I found out she absolutely lied to the girl who hired her. She told the hiring personnel that she was still married (yes she is also divorced) to her husband that she had been with since high school, the man that is the father of her child. I was confused.

Had she lied to me or my employer? Before I had found this out she text me to ask if I worked at the location I am at. I did not respond. My GM handled the situation accordingly. I told him I didn't mind if either she or I were moved to another location as I did not want her (possibly) not having a job to be over my head. He informed me that it would not and not to worry. This morning after grocery shopping she text me again asking if I am at the location I am at. I did not respond.

I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. It's something I hate talking about because I hate to show any weakness. Sadly grocery shopping causes me a lot of stress because I am battling anorexia. Yes I realize that I am not a twig and I do not look anorexic, but it is an issue I've dealt with for a long time(more on this later). That coupled with a few other things caused me to be fighting off an anxiety attack for part of my shift. I went to the restroom and checked my phone.

She had text me. She said "It's so amazing how God works!!! You try and ruin something but he know all and things work out!!! Since you've complained about me working at world gym Joshua got a great job offer and now I don't have to work!!! I can sit at home all day, but unlike you ill clean an cook! Just bc that's a womens duty! :) it was a blessing in disguise!!! Thank you!" (That is verbatim, if you don't believe any thing I've said I do have screen shots to prove it)

I lost it when I read that. She aimed to hurt me and she did. I am so thankful I have such a great GM. I went into his office and informed him I was going to have an anxiety attack. He was very calm, patient, understanding and helpful. I hate to cry, especially in front of people. So It was not as bad as it could have been. I was able to shed a few tears and gain control of my breathing. GM talked to me about God, helping me remember we are not all perfect. He listened and kept me calm.

And as I sat there I realized how much I had grown over the past year. How blessed I was to have God's help. How blessed I am to have him helping me grow.

I am patient. I am kind. Somehow God gifted me with the ridiculous ability to be very empathetic. I may not have gone through whatever you are going through but somehow I understand. I have been through enough in my life that one way or another I can relate. I can feel your pain and try to see the bigger picture. I have a temper and can be a hot head.

Yet somehow I have been blessed with the knowledge, and be able to know that it is better to walk away and calm down. To realize that it's not always best to lash out. To breath. I still have feelings for my ex-husband. He still has feelings for me. But I have learned that we aren't meant to be together. It took a while but I am finally not waking up every day feeling like a failure. I am not thinking about him everyday. I am fully moving on.

I do have to say I am proud that with all of this I am still fighting against my depression and anorexia.

I am ME.
A girl working hard to take care of herself, her dog and her parents.
A girl trying to better herself in life.

Peacock and I are happy. We are a new relationship. We both have our skeletons and our baggage. We are happy. We may not last forever.

 But I can't thank him enough for all the support he has given me thus far. He scares me and he knows that, and that terrifies me. Peacock promises he won't hurt me, he makes me giggle and I am happily taking this day by day.

He even sat, talking to me on the phone for just over 40minutes while I cried about this situation. He managed to make me giggle, he helped to calm me down and he listened.