Day Zero

Let's get this started! Second time is a charm right? Or is this the third? Either way, I'm excited about this one. I went to Pinterest to find some ideas of things to do for my list, and it was interesting to see the varying levels of completion as well as the lists of other bloggers.

2016 {goals}

Whether or not you write them down, or tell others there is a strong chance that you will make New Years Resolutions. Lose weight, read more, cook at home more yada-yada. Generally the resolutions are generic, yet occasionally meaningful and inspiring. I don't think I shared mine last year, and the only reason I'm sharing them this year is so that I can keep myself accountable through you.

2016

Every new year hold the sparkle of excitement, newness, and wonder.
Yet the 2016 is holding the sparkle of beautiful and exciting wanderlust.

With the New Year there is already a loose yet slightly substantial schedule of things I'm so eager to accomplish, see, create, and achieve. It is all so exciting; I can't wait for January 1st to arrive so I can take everyone on the amazing journey it will be!

The {end} is close...

woo-hoo!

The end has happened(for this semester)!! I can not tell you how happy I am that this semester is over. For some reason, looking back it wasn't as evil as it seemed while being in it. But then I remember how bad it was in the moment, yet also looking back I also see how I made the situations so rough.

{craving} for Change

This post is honestly tremendously silly and unimportant compared to what's going on in Paris. 

Which is absolutely terrible; my thoughts, my heart and my prayers are with France 200%, as well as the other countries that were hit with tragedy this weekend. I truly wish I could help. 

{photo credit goes to Facebook, where a dear friend posted this photo. This is not my creation.}

But, I wanted to give you a better post than the previous. 

I tremendously wanted to give you a nice update. Fun one. An up-beat one. 

All of your {littleness}

**

Sweet girl,

For the a few weeks, or months, you've been so frequently placing your tiny hand on my face at night as we lay in bed about to fall asleep. 

More often than not I swipe your hand away, pleading you to stop, then roughly informing you 'enough is enough'.

There's {hope}, but

It scares me.

I'm going to apologize now. This is probably going to be a very rambled post, I'll do my best to keep it all together and easy to follow.

Now while I was doing a bit of looking into the Obamacare that ya know, we all have to have now, uhm, I discovered that a few of the plans cover depression. Whoo-hoo! Excitement! Right?! I can start having all of my problems taken care of, I can not feel so much of everything and so much of nothing. I can concentrate. I can not feel like I'm a terrible mother. I can breathe {physically and metaphorically}. I can explore what happiness truly is. Maybe be a real true thorough optimist, or sleep properly, or eat properly or focus like I always try and need to.

But then it becomes scary.

{I love you}

Those three words.
Heavy words.
Tremendously heavy when put in such an order, yet individually they are quite light.

Many people believe that 'love' is tossed around so lightly these days in random conversation about unworthy objects or not truly meant when said about a person. So I have found that I intend to use it more often in the 'proper' context, with the proper meaning.

Yet it is so sad how easily such a phrase is thrown around so hollowly, so often. So my dearest daughter, I need you to remember* this because this is important.

Avoiding blogging

I've fully written one post, partially written another... Contemplated about 15more...

Yet I have been avoiding this. Writing one and pushing that 'publish' button. Honestly, I'm not fully sure why. Partially due to the fully written post and how so quickly after finishing it I... What's the word?... Went down hill?

That seems fair. 

Some really exciting, big GREAT news..

LittleMiss finally knows most of her paternal family. It kills me how belated this post is, but unfortunately I have been terribly busy. Just before LittleMiss' 14month birthday she got to meet her other side of the family, all except for her... biological father. Unfortunately that is possibly the best title I can muster. Anyways, by happenstance I ran into his sister. Actually she was a table I waited on. That day I realized how terrible it was that she had family here, in Arkansas, an arms reach away but she had never met them. They had never met her. There was so much love that she was not experiencing.

Just a quick {update}

Things are good.
I feel good.

Really though, this morning has felt... like... like I can breathe! Of course the simple fact of it being a Wednesday and not Tuesday or Thursday helps quite a bit.
I can breathe.

Read that again, just one more time; okay make it two.
The second time read those three words slowly, and as if you yourself feel like you can finally breathe once everyone in the dog-pile gets off of you and you finally have your breath after running as hard and as fast as you could for five minutes.

Do you understand now?

The feeling is so relieving, and exciting.
and terrifying. 

'What? Girl, why you sayin' it's terrifying??' (that's you asking me)
Because that means that at any moment the creeping fog will come in full force. Maybe slowly, maybe fast, maybe lightly or maybe so thick you can't see through it. That is why I try not to think about those moments where everything feels great, I can breathe and the mornings are smooth.

I have, however, been attempting to pay more attention to what I'm feeling these past few days so that I can provide a decent analysis for those of you reading. Over the past few days I've been feeling better, lighter if you will.

  (The weather is beautiful today, which also helped to keep my mood up. It's tremendously important to get out for even a few moments; especially when the sun is shining and the wind is beautiful.)

I've been taking vitamins regularly, incorporating supposed depression-fighting foods into my diet, as well as making it a point to ride my bicycle again. This morning there was even enough time to wake up to do a quick routine of morning yoga. (which I'll be doing again this evening as I've noticed my hips are getting a little tight.)

(We all know one of my strong points is confidence and over exaggerated vanity. Which is a bi-product of hiding my depression for so long...  Yet with that being said, it's important to find beauty in yourself. It's important to be silly and goofy.)

Unfortunately as hard as I try to keep some sort of routine going in my life it doesn't seem to fully stick. It's there, it's just not... exceedingly consistent. I'm currently seeing a handsome young man whom I find a little bit of comfort in his routine; it's actually a huge help for me. It's comforting and relaxing to know that I can rely on the knowledge of when I will hear from him. Yes it sounds silly, but it's true. I'm making a large conscious effort to build and maintain a set-ish schedule and routine. Apparently routines are a big help in our battle.
Thus far I know that keeping 2-3calenders is a big help for me staying on track. In each of them (well I try to keep them all synced) my attempts are to have most of my day scheduled, of course with room for movement.
For example I have:

• Morning yoga
• Shower
• Wake-up/Start getting LittleMiss ready
• Leave
• Study Time
• Class.....

and so forth... Keep in mind each day is different, this is a simple rubric I attempt to keep.

This all leads to....

Rule Four:
Establish some sort of a routine for yourself. Read my above routine again if that gives you so help. Keep it simple and short to start with. Maybe wake up every morning at a set time, follow it with morning reading/yoga/coffee/tea/walk what have you. Maybe take lunch at a within a set time frame everyday (such as between 1130 and 130, giving you wiggle room should something come up to hinder your leaving time). Maybe, just maybe your routine needs to be reading or journaling for thirty minutes everyday. 
Don't worry if at first it doesn't stick. This is all trial and error, do not, do not  stress about setting up and find your routine. Starting small is always easiest, always best. By starting small we are able to find what really works for us, what truly fits the best. 

;

Oyo! {thats my new favorite saying}

I'm not sure where I picked up that saying, maybe spanish class, maybe Doctor Who....

Anyways one of my dearest friends, FayetteFox, has inspired me to try harder at staying consistent with blogging. She's such a beautiful vlogger.
I also have been inspired by a beautiful new friend, who I am excited to build a relationship with. She is also a very big supporter of TWLOHA.

Hi, it's me again.

How silly, who else would it be?

Let's be honest, I'm one of the worst bloggers ever.
I want to tell you that I'll try to get better, make regular posts, be more involved, yet we all know it's not really going to happen.

I have several posts that I do plan on actually finishing and uploading, as well as several ideas for posts that will (at some point) indeed be written.

I suppose for now, I should simply catch you up to where my life is. Most of these are going to be simple bullet points as I plan on furthering a few into actual posts...

Little Rock, oh, Little Rock {pt1}

I had a great weekend in Little Rock.

It was better than I expected, even though I wasn't sure what to expect. As it always does with TheBeardedWonder, time flew by. The drive to was fun (he fell asleep, so I jammed out. DriverSeat dancing... Singing Solos...), the sights were great even though we only saw a small portion. 

While Little Rock has very dangerous areas, and is very hood, everyone was truly nice, as well as friendly.

Fathers Day Weekend{2015}

Let me start off by saying this is not my favorite holiday, neither is Mothers Day but that's not the topic. 

Fathers Day is difficult for me because I do still feel like I am fulfilling both roles. I realize I'm going to end up catching flack for this, but please hear me out. This is not to attack anyone, this is just an expression of my views. 

Last year I absolutely was both mommy and daddy. I was bitter about the day, yet thankful for those who did wish me a 'Happy Fathers Day', most of them understood my pain as they were single mums as well. 

This year was a bit rough. Slightly different reasons though. 

This year I had to share my baby with her father, which isn't the issue. He is her dad, he has decided to be a part of her life. But I am still both disciplinarian as well as friend during the week, and every other weekend. I'm still the one kissing every booboo, imaginary or not, and attempting to get her to eat her food, while continuing the battle to not hit mommy. 

Let me be even more honest, there have been things said by persons who are much more bitter than myself. Even though I do my best to not fully acknowledge such things, they have been said. Add those things to the unfortunate and brief history he and I have and it's hard not to worry.  I want to believe with all of my heart that he is becoming everything she deserves, though I have no proof. It's the lack of any sort of evidence, aside from fleetingly brief bye-byes, that makes me worry.  

Learning to Live Again

I'm not sure if 'again' is correct, honestly. Although thinking about it, I haven't been near this happy since I was a kid before we moved out to Arkansas. 

It's seems that I have found some one who loves the outdoors, and adventures as much as I do. He has been teaching me a bit about cycling, great places to hike, and accepts my weirdness, as well as my child with open arms. He is his own person, who loves his children, as much as I love LittleMiss. 

Although things are new between he and I, his support of my love for adventure is helping to make it great. Yet this relationship isn't the only thing this post is about. 

See, I'm finally eating more, my depression doesn't consume me as frequently, my anxiety is not as high, and my creativity is resurfacing. I realized a few weeks ago that I have buried a large part of me down, attempting to kill off what makes me happy. Upon that realization, I knew had to do something to change it. I needed to live again. While being the primary caregiver to my beautiful baby girl will never not be my top priority, I have decided that doing what makes me happy is important as well. It too needs to be tended to. 

Riding my bicycle has been the biggest help yet. From short errands, to blowing off steam, I love how much confidence  in my riding I have gained over the past month. 

I've fallen in love with rock climbing and can not wait to join my best friend to climb again. 

Hiking is becoming a part of my life again, as well as simply walking around town, visiting new stores, meeting new people. 

I'm so excited to make several purchases for my new love of outside: kayaks, hammocks, bicycle gear...

While I haven't painted in over a month, I'll be picking up my brushes again this week to begin the fun once more. 

But on this short journey I've made thus far, I'm also realizing how closed off I am to people. While I am considered a people person, and I do enjoy social interaction, I have made sure to not let those new faces get closer that absolute face value. Maybe one day I'll go into detail as to what has driven me to be as such. 

The point is that I wouldn't mind making more friends, having more groups to hike, bike ride, or swim with. Ha! Or simply grab a cup of coffee to discuss a book or life. 

Yes there are sour apples of people out there, but that doesn't mean everyone deserves to be shut out. 

Even as such I find myself following the advice given to me by several people: daily forgiveness. Not only to those who have caused me great pain, but also of myself. It's not going end over night, but it is becoming easier day by day. 

So this is my promise to myself, and my tiny family, I am going to live again. I am going to go on adventures, continually trying new things, and not let bitterness win. I will reside in happiness, never allowing my anger to control me. 

"It is not the pursuit of happiness, but the happiness of pursuit."

A Letter to the Father of My Child

Dear Fellow,

I almost started this off with 'I'm Sorry', but I'm not. I do feel bad for you though, seeing as for the rest of our lives you are connected to me. Which, to be honest, started as completely unexpected. Only in my wildest dreams did I ever think you would want to be a part of our beautiful baby girls life. Then again, sometimes I find myself questioning how much of this is you wanting and how much of it isn't...
You see I feel bad for you because that little girl and I have a very odd, very close bond. After all it had just been her and I for roughly 16months, then your family was involved. After that she was roughly 19months when you first met her.See I nursed her for roughly 20 and a half months, I bottle fed her, we mostly still co-sleep, I was there when she learned to walk, to talk and bettered her motor skills. It was me not you, who she first called 'dah-dah' (after all she didn't know better having no one else to bestow the name on.)
And oh how stubborn she is, really she gets it from both of us although I would love to blame it all on you.
See I feel bad for you because I expect so much from you. I've been approaching this situation as I would a wild animal for fear of you running away. Yet even though at this point in the game your ability to run away would equate you decreasing to zero communication (which isn't far from where we are now). What I expect from you is to be a man, not a boy who is angry at me because I informed his family of the life of a beautiful child he helped create. Not a boy who thinks his dashing good looks will help him get away with whatever he wants. No I expect to know that when she is with you on the weekends it's your turn she is safe in a bed that is her own.
When I ask if you would prefer do things a different way, it is not to trap you it is so that we can avoid as many bumps in the road as possible. So that this will be easy for both you and I, as well as our daughter.
I expect you to stop treating me like your ex-wife, to stop projecting the past you have with her on to me. As unfortunate as it is, we were not together long enough for you to have the disdain you have for me, nor for you to be so absentee when I try to contact you. I am not her, yes I get upset, I get frustrated, and I can be hurt by your actions, but I am not her.  I do not react the way she does, I do not want to hurt you or anger you in retaliation.

I am not at all concerned with ever having a romantic relationship with you again.
        My focus is this beautiful little girl, completing my degree, obtaining a job in my degree field and living a life for God. I am not focused on convincing or making you want to be with me.

The thing is, you and I created this tiny-ever growing-beautiful child, not your mother and I. Who I am tremendously grateful for. She is a huge help watching LittleMiss while I work, or an occasional extra day I need to focus on homework or can't find a sitter for the me shift. But she is the grandparent, she is not the parent.
I expect you to be a co-parent, standing firm with me in disciplining her as needed. I expect your cooperation with school function and activities. I expect communication. I expect that you are providing her attention, not sending her off to be with a sitter continually and instead spending the time you have together with someone else.
I expect you to be a parent, not a perfect parent, but a loving parent.

Here we go again!

Being freshly single (again, honestly that's just a never ending story..), summer college courses starting today, and the best part: I'm finally happy with life. 

Maybe it's the being freshly single, sun is shining, had a great morning with LittleMiss talking, but I. Am. Happy. Since I have no idea when this glorious feeling will end I am riding this boat as long as I can. 

So of course here we go again with my promises of steady blogs posts, yet thankfully while parenting, homework and my job will be dominating my schedule I foresee several slots of time that I will be able to share tasty recipes, fun crafts, gardening and exciting outings. 

I hope everyone had an exciting weekend and didn't forget the real meaning of the extra day off. 

My seed-filled excitement!

Ohmygosh. 

So many beautiful and exciting seeds. I haven't ever started a plant from seeds so this is going to be a journey I will document almost as much as I document LittleMiss. 

To be safe I only did four seeds of these two packets, so that I wouldn't ruin my many others. Although I will probably be starting them soon. 

These girls are actually in some of my very own compost. It was a worm compost until the worms ran away from an accidental caffeine overdose. 

Keep your fingers crossed!!

An Unexpected Adventure.

{A perfectly fitting title.} 

I haven't posted in a while for a few reasons, the top and main two being that 

1: I have been very busy [two jobs, school, being a mommy]

2: Custody Court had a countdown. 

That's correct: custody court.