Just.
Under.
Three Months.
THREE.
I just feel like sitting and staring at a piece of blank wall. At the same time I want to clean and organize the nursery or the kitchen or make some paper or go for a walk or crawl into a ball under the crib and just stay there to hide for a little while.
I have no idea what I'm doing. I haven't even read the baby books. I've skimmed them, but not actually thoroughly read them. There is a child kicking me, pushing against my ribs, making me a bottomless pit for food and water.
It is the organization that is about the hardest. I don't have a lot of anything. Trying to decide where to put what I do have where. Do the onsies go in a drawer or are they hung up? Should the crib be room centered or should it go right next to the changing table? Should the changing table go in front of the window or on the wall just opposite?
The futon.
I already nixed that. There just isn't enough room in the nursery, what I will be doing instead is creating a floor futon sleeper thing. Sure an air mattress would work, but no one likes air mattresses, they lose their air in five minutes of being blown up. What I'll make is something along these lines:
Do I buy my own cloth diapers? Do I add more to the registry? Am I ready to make all the things I'm wanting to make for the nursery? There is so much left to do. To buy. To ready. To make. To sell.
Oh gosh selling. Selling!!! I have so much that I want to get rid of! And I'm trying and it's not working. I need these things gone, they are over taking my apartment, my sanity and on the verge of overtaking what little of the nursery I have.
I tried to get out and go for a walk. Which worked for a few minutes, the water is up so high around the lake that I didn't get much of a walk.
Ohmygoodness. So much is running through my head. It almost feels like it's spinning. I'm not ready for this. This is beyond uncharted waters. I need to go for another walk. Try and get some sun on these white legs. I need to go grocery shopping, but I can't even get a weeks menu ready. I can't concentrate on anything. I clean great with background noise, so either the tv or music will be on. But I can't concentrate.
Everytime anything can possibly go wrong I think it does. Because I am not ready, and I am expecting anything to go wrong. Three miscarriages later, 28weeks into this pregnancy and I still worry. I think I will only stop worrying when she is out of me. Then I can actually know what is going on. I can hold her and for the most part protect her.
I want to go for a walk, but I can't actually walk like I would like to. No pushing myself, no over exertion, always stay hydrated (which is difficult if there isn't a bathroom to get to quickly)... list goes on and on...
It feel like she is trying to crack one of my ribs. I'm going to lay back on my side and attempt this menu thing again.wish me luck.