Doing This Alone

  I want to cry but the tears won't come out. Yes this is 50% my fault. I take blame. But I miss my body. I miss being able to lay on my stomach or back to sleep. I miss being able to run. I miss wearing size 5jeans. And my belly button. I liked it when it was more of an innie.
 I have these stretch marks multipling on my thighs. My finances are terrifing me.

 And I have no one to share the responsibility with. No one to hold me at night. No one to feel as my daughter moves and kicks, as she gets restless. No one to kiss me good morning or good night. No one to kiss my stretch marks and tell me I am still beautiful. No one to kiss my belly and tell me I"m doing a great job.
 Or to inspire and help me with a dinner meal.
 Honestly, I don't know who will hold my my hand, if anyone while I'm giving birth. Maybe I'll make an extra teddy-bear, one for me and one for SweetPea.
 No one to laught at me and hold me while I cry over Sons of Anarchy. Or laugh at my pregnancy brain. Help me decorate the nursery.
  This is what happens when you mess up. Get sloppy. Have sex out of wedlock. Sure tons of people are becoming parents and then getting married. And I am so happy for them, I pray for them that they will make it and give them tons of kudos. They are the lucky ones.
  But sadly most of those marriages don't last. Most unwed parents don't last, even with out marriages. Most unwed fathers don't want nor can they handle the responsibility.
  I am a little envious of married couples. How the woman has a husband to love and be there for her. I am slightly jealous of those little girls who have their daddy wrapped around their finger. Even though mommy and daddy aren't together.
  I want so much for my daughter. Not necessarily materialistic things. I want her to have a father that loves her. I have a whole checklist I have given God, the most important things that a potential father would have to have. It's not long. I told him it would have to be a true sign from him, a slap in the face that its the right person.
   I'm not making this post as a pitty party. I'm not making this post in hopes that anyone asks me out. In fact it pisses me off when guys try hitting on me, or are the overly nice/too flirty. Because now there is living breathing proof that you "put out". Think about it girls. I made a simple mistake, fell for a pretty face. It's not because I am or was easy that got me pregnant.
   This post is for other women who are going at this alone. This post is for girls who think sex pre-marriage is a good idea.

I do not support abortion.

Being a single mom is hard. Hard emotionally and physically. It's hard financially.

But it is worth it. The love I have for this little person growing inside me is unexplainable. I always thought I could empathize (to a certian degree) with parents. But it is not the same. The first time feeling your baby move. A feeling that never entirely gets any less weird, but is one that I already know I will miss. I would do (almost) anything for her and I would/will kill anyone that harms her.
  It scares me how much I love her. This little person who loves to "cuddle" up against my right side. To distract me at anytime of day when she moves.
  She is going to be beautiful and smart and blessed. That is what I look forward to. Her first smile, first giggle, first word and first step, scary little bonuses to being a parent.

This is hard. But my daughter is my everything, she is worth it.