(no idea what to put here)

Oh gosh.
I can't even tell you how much has happened since whenever the hell my last post was. My apartment is almost entirely furnished, I'm working on decorating it. I am manager in training.
But most importantly my grandmother died. I found out Friday. Outwardly I am a million times better than I was Friday. I was very hysterical and got very drunk that night. It's sad that I have become so good at plastering smiles on my face and how easily I let myself be used. I'd say the former is worse than the latter, but they are greatly equal.
Either way all I want to do every day is curl up in someone's arms and cry, or just cry curled up in a little ball. St the same time I want to build my walls sky Hugh and shove everyone away. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore
I feel so lost. I can't imagine how my grandfather, father and aunt feel. I feel horrible that I can't be there fast enough. And I'm only staying six days.
I wish people understood how much family means to me. Even my group friends that call ourselves family.
Oh gosh I have so many ramblings. Probably cuz it's 130am.....